Horror Movie
by JapanCat
Summary: Yusuke, Keiko, Kuwabara, Yukina, Kurama, Hiei, and Mukuro go to the movies but instead of a good time, they run into the biggest horror movie cliches. I'm not lying to you. But the cake is.
1. The Beginning

**Horror Movie**

**Dude… I was a freshman when I wrote this. Right now I am a _college freshman_. Amazing. This one made me laugh so I decided to put it up. I have only two chapters. I started the third chapter but I dunno what happened to it. I might just wing it and do with what I have from memory. I know I didn't finish it because the ending I was working towards was crap. And just about everyone dies for some reason. I know why Yusuke was supposed to… Meh. Here you go.**  
**Halloween spirit, anyone?**

**This contains: OOC, stupidity, Pairings: YusukeKeiko, KuwabaraYukina, HieiMukuro, Kuramahimself (He has no one. That just sounds unfortunate though.)**

Chapter 1: The Beginning. ("OMG So scary!")

Kurama and Kuwabara sat at the table playing a suspenseful game of Mao when Yusuke ran into the room,, half breaking the door.

"Guys! We gotta go to the movies," Yusuke said, slapping them both on the back. The two both looked up at him and went back to playing, both feeling the urge to say something come over them. But when you have three cards left on both sides, it's not worth getting a penalty. "Dude, what the hell? Why aren't you talking? Are you saying that it's a dumb idea cause then you're dumb! ….Okay say something…"

The two both said "One card left" at the same time.

"Are you guys in a cult or something?"

"No, we're playing Mao, stupid," Kuwabara replied. He kicked the table when he realized he got a penalty. The game ended with Kurama's turn. "Darn it, you made me lose, Urameshi. And I don't see why you can't just go alone."

"But it would be boring if it were just me and Keiko. We could always triple date."

There was a long silence. "Gee, Urameshi, you're really gonna share Keiko like that? Is she okay with this?"

"Dumb ass! Haven't you ever heard of…? You bring Yukina and Kurama bring… Kurama… Kurama, who're you gonna bring?" Yusuke turned to Kurama.

"Well, I don't have a girlfriend or anything so…" Kurama answered simply. He shrugged.

"Wha…? But you're always surrounded by girls. You're worse than a guy in a harem anime."

"Well, that may be true but maybe I just don't want a girlfriend. Maybe later I would… So I guess you could just go without me and tell me what it's like."

"But it's _The Grudge 2_!"

"I've watched that three times already and it's just the same thing as the first one." Now why Kurama decided to watch a movie he didn't really like three times is a mystery.

"Oh you damn people… Okay how about _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning_? See, it's so scary that all the letters are capitalized in the title."

Kurama saw he couldn't win this one. "O… Okay, I guess I'll go." Come to think of it, why are American movies being played in Japan in the first place?

"Hell yeah! This movie's gonna kick ass. Oh. I just got another idea. Invite Hiei so we can all watch this shit together. That bum needs to come over here more often." Yusuke shoved Kurama out of the door. "Call him."

And Kurama was sad because he was kicked out of his own house.

/././

Kurama was able to come back in twenty minutes later. He waved into his room, look out an address book, which was buried somewhere in his anti-fangirl pepper spray and garlic (also to ward off yaoi fangirls). He flipped through it, only to realize that he didn't write down any names- just the numbers and addresses. He dialed the first number he saw.

"Is this Hiei?" Kurama asked. "Why are you asking me if I'm eighteen? No, I'm nineteen actually. You want me to what? I'm wearing a shirt and some jeans, I guess… You want me to…? You kn- you know what I'm going- I'm going to hang up." And so he did.

His mother called from the hall, "Shuichi? Who are you talking to?"

"It was just grandma, Mom," Kurama replied. He shook his head and tried another number.

/././

Hiei heard the sound of a phone ringing and he wandered the halls to find the source of it. He came across one in the hall, one which was placed under the disturbing mouth on the wall. Of course, Hiei being Hiei found that perfectly normal.

Hiei picked up the suddenly existing phone and answered it. Immediately Kurama said, "Hiei! Man, I'm glad you picked up. I went through six phone sex lines. _Six._ It was awful."

Hiei didn't actually know how you could combine the two, either way, he didn't really give a crap. "What do you want?"

"Yusuke wanted me to invite you to go to the movies with us. He wants us to triple date. It might actually be considered a quadruple date at this point, though."

"Tri… I really don't play for that team, you bastard. We both know that."

"No, he means he's bringing Keiko."

"I don't even like her."

"You really need to let people finish… Kuwabara would take Yukina. (That was like poison to Hiei's ears. Especially considering that he's basically the weird brother people in sitcoms say is a turnoff.) I could go by myself and you would just take Mukuro."

Okay, that's even more poison there. At least it's not as bad as Kuwabara and Yukina. It did make Hiei facepalm. "Ugh…"

"Was that for Kuwabara and Yukina or Mukuro and you?"

"Both actually."

"Why? it's not like Kuwabara would really… You know, force her to do something she doesn't want to. Yukina's old enough to take care of herself and she knows her own boundaries so if for some reason Kuwabara does something- and you and I both know that he wouldn't do anything to her, just admit it Hiei- then she can take care of it herself without you having to jump in. No about you and…"

"Can't I just go alone if I have to come?"

"Why? It's not like you're obligated to do anything to each other."

"I really hope not." Really missing the point here.

"If you go alone then people might think we're dating each other and you're just using Mukuro as a cover up or Mukuro dumped you and you got desperate." Oh, Kurama, that won't work.

"They won't think we're gay because they'll be too busy thinking you're a girl."

"Say that again… and I will rip out your trachea from your eye sockets…" Because that makes perfect sense.

Hiei also being Hiei has gotten many death threats so this particular failure in biology did not faze him. "What if she doesn't want to go, did you think about that?"

"What if she does? She's never been to the Human World as far as we know so she might enjoy it (_Sure, in the same way a person enjoys going to a farm when they pick out their kill_, Hiei thought. He really hoped Kurama thought of that.) You never know. Did you even ask her if she would ever want to see us? She's pretty much one of the group now."

And Hiei did a bad impersonation of Mukuro. Meaning he just lowered his voice and added an obviously fake British accent. "I know she doesn't want to go because I am her. Now…"

"Hiei, I know it's you. You answered to Hiei."

"We answer to each other's names now."

"Cute. But that doesn't change the fact that you're Hiei."

"No, I'm…"

"Mukuro's more soft spoken, Hiei, and last time I checked, she wasn't British. Your voice is louder, has a rasp to it, and it's kind of nasally. And she's also got some roughness to her voice, too. Don't forget that…"

Somehow it surprised Hiei that his plan failed. "Well, maybe I don't want her to come."

"What if she finds out you left without her and feels left out? And you know what that means, Hiei? She's start thinking you don't like her as much as you used to and that you're seeing other women. WE all know what happens after that." Can you say "slippery slope?"

"I doubt she'll find out. She's always asleep during the day. And I can leave any time I want, you know that?"

"It's at night, actually. If she sleeps all day, what does she do at night?"

"I really don't care. And I'm not taking her, so shut…"

"Why not? Are you fighting?"

"No." Hiei forgot that he could have put the phone down and ended this a long time ago.

"Hiei, you're not going to get anywhere unless you tell me."

"Fine. I can't ask her."

"Why not?"

"I can't."

"Hiei, you mean to tell me that you can confess your love for her without a problem but you can't ask her out. That's really kind of backwards. Asking her out should be a piece of cake." Which is a lie.

"Well, it isn't so quit asking. I'm going to hang up."

"Why not?"

"Because I've never been on a date in my life and I never will and I won't ask Mukuro even if my life depended on it." He slammed the receiver down and he unplugged the phone just for good measure. He turned around to see Mukuro standing there. "Holy…! How long have you been standing there?"

"I was looking for the source of the ringing. It woke me up," Mukuro replied.

/././

Karasu was doing the moonwalk in the afterlife. Oddly enough somewhere in the great country of Granadara, Yomi was also doing the moonwalk. But that happens to be besides the point. Yusuke, Keiko, Kuwabara, Yukina, and Kurama were all standing in line… A line that wasn't moving… And a line that was only composed of those five people.

As Kuwabara went back and forth as to whether Yukina would really want to see the movie (because unbeknownst to him, Yukina was a real horror movie fan), Yusuke asked Kurama, "So did you get Hiei and Mukuro to show up?"

"I did call Hiei but I don't think he's coming," Kurama said with a shrug. "But if he was going to come, I don't think you'll see Mukuro. He made it pretty clear that he was afraid to ask her."

"So he can confess his love for her easily and not ask her out? That's really backwards. What, did they do the deed and decide that they would date after that was over too?"

"I… guess…?"

Someone tapped Yusuke on the shoulder and he turned around to see Hiei and Mukuro. His eyes widened, trying to figure out if his eyes were deceiving him. "O… Okay, so you guys decided to show?"

"I heard about the phone call… I've never been to the Human World. I just wanted to know what it was like," Mukuro replied. "Considering that Hiei was kind enough to tell me about this himself…"

"I really hate you," Hiei grumbled.

"I'm sure you do."

Kuwabara stopped his attempts to persuade Yukina long enough to notice Mukuro. "Who are you? Are you Hiei's girlfriend?"

She glanced at Hiei. "If I must…"

Kuwabara didn't say it, but he was glad that Mukuro wasn't a guy. He still had trouble believing that Mukuro was a girl, apparently. He also never played any of the Metroid games. She probably saw right through that but she didn't say anything. "You… Hiei should let you get out more!"

"…I'm not forced to stay home."

More awkward silence.

"…Can we just go in right now?"

/././

So they were halfway through the movie… Kuwabara leaned over to Yusuke and asked, "Hey, Urameshi, why do they keep making these kinds of movies? I mean, a guy coming at you with a chainsaw… I don't wanna know when he started it or why. I'd just keep running. And how do we know all this is true if _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ was a true story? Did they go and ask the family or the victims? Either way it won't work? Urameshi?"

"Shut up and watch the movie," Yusuke growled as he checked his watch, only to realize he didn't have a watch.

Mukuro actually agreed with Yusuke. The movie was quite boring. Obviously face ripping was much different and more exciting in real life. And she should know, she's done it before. She glanced at Hiei and cocked a brow. "Are you… are you getting scared?"

"No, I'm not! Shut up!" Hiei hissed. "Watch the movie."

"Okay, you're shaking."

"It's from anticipation."

"You want a hug to make you feel better?"

Hiei stood up. "No." He noticed he was gaining stares from the other five in the theater, and he sat down. "Dammit, don't look at me!" The other five looked away, shrugging. "I hate you all."

Yusuke finally cracked. "Man… This movie sucks." He jumped to his feet, almost knocking the popcorn over. "I'm getting my money back."

"I think it's a good movie," Yukina replied, not taking her eyes off the screen.

"But that's obviously a computer generated effect. There's more blood and flesh flying around when you cut a person's face off," Mukuro said as though it was a perfectly normal statement to make.

"Yeah, what she just said," Yusuke added. "I'm going to get my money back." They all followed him out and watched as he kicked the door to the manager's office. "Hey, open up, bitch!"

"Yusuke, I don't think he's in… I think we should just at least watch it until it's over…" Keiko said just so she could avoid having to argue with management.

"Watch me, Keiko! I'm getting this d-bag to open up…" The door opened and out walked a zombie in a red shirt. Hiei screamed and pulled out a Winchester rifle, blowing its head off.

When everyone stared at him, he said, "I don't want to get zombie syphilis, do you?"

"Hiei, that's a lie created by the liberal media," Mukuro replied.

"You're a communist, Mukuro, what the hell gives you the right to criticize liberals, you damn dirty commie!"

"It was created by Yomi, so I do have a right, actually. You're from Raizen's territory so if anything I should be making your happy ass stay outside."

"Um… Guys…" Yukina interrupted the political FOX News worthy debate to point out the zombies walking into the building.

"It's all Hiei's fault for killing the zombie director," Yusuke said.

"My fault? Do you want zombie syphilis?"

"I think you should worry more about zombie herpes."

"Zombie syphilis makes you fall apart and go insane."

"That's what zombies already do, Hiei," Mukuro said, rolling her eyes.

The zombies started to attack everyone but Kuwabara. Kuwabara immediately whined, "Why are none going after me?"

"You want them to?" Mukuro asked.

"No."

"Then consider yourself lucky."

"And what is _That_ supposed to mean?"

"Let's get out of here! We can't fight them," Yusuke screamed and they all ran into the nearest room… The one showing the _Care Bears Movie_. And the zombies were enjoying ut. The zombies noticed their presence and started to go after them.

"Quick! There's the fire exit!" Kurama said and they all followed him out. They looked around. "There's a car."

Hiei ran over, picked the lock and took the driver's seat.

"Hold on, do you know how to drive this thing?" Kuwabara asked as he put on his seat belt.

"Yeah, are you stupid?"

"And you can see the road."

"Your mom can see the road fine."

"Don't talk about my mama, punk!" And Kuwabara cried over a picture of his mom.

"Anyway…" Hiei looked down. "Was it the left one that was the brake or the right one? I think the right one is the gas…"

"Hiei, I don't think you should drive. We all value our lives, you know," Mukuro said.

"Your mom doesn't think you should drive."

"If only I knew… But no, no she doesn't."

"Okay. Shut up." Hiei started to drive away.

"Hiei, where exactly did you learn to drive?" Yusuke asked.

"Your…"

"I swear to god if you say 'Your mom' again I'll…" Yusuke was interrupted by Yukina's screaming.

"Mr. Hiei, I think you ran someone over…" Yukina whimpered.

"Probably a zombie. They're already dead anyway. You shouldn't make contact with the outside of the car though. Not unless you want…"

"Oh you just hit another!"

"Is it possible for you not to hit them? They make a gross sound when you do," Keiko added.

"You just passed a red," Mukuro pointed out.

Hiei slammed on the brakes, causing her to hit her head on the dashboard. "Are you happy now, you commie?"

"…I'm too unconscious to respond. I also taste blue."

"Just drive! They're surrounding us!" Kurama screamed, despite everyone being less than a foot apart.

"Where are we going anyway?" Hiei asked.

"It doesn't matter. We just need to go!"

Little do they know what dangers await…

/././

Notes:

Yes, this is after the end of the series.  
Mao is a card game that is played without speaking- except for the aces and any other rules applied. When you get to one card left you really have to say, "One card left." I could tell you the rules I was started off with if you're curious._  
The Grudge_ was originally a Japanese movie. As _Ju-on._I heard it kind of sucked.  
Leatherface was based on Ed Gein. He was one sick guy. Basically, he killed women and put on their skin. I dunno how to explain it. Wikipedia, get over here.  
I think Hiei might be from Raizen's territory. I might be wrong. No one seems to know.  
There must always be a zombie with a red shirt.

Thanks for your time. I hope to see you next time.


	2. It's a Cookbook!

**Horror Movie**  
**Uh… So here's the second chapter to this madness… and it also addresses something that's bothered me. Not the whole part that happens… Oh I'll tell you later.**

Chapter 2: It's A Cookbook! ("Lol wut")

"I think we've gotten away from them by now…" Hiei said as he looked at the rearview mirror. Actually he really couldn't see much behind them. "But where the hell did those zombies come from? I knew I should have brought some anti-zombie garlic…"

"So… Is that why you always smell like garlic?" Kurama asked. He got no answer. Taking that as a yes, he also asked, "Was I the only one who noticed that we were the only ones in the theater too? And we were also the only ones in line."

"You're only repeating what the third person omniscient narrator had stated in the previous chapter and frankly the readers don't care that you're the only one who noticed that detail."

"…What."

And with that breaking of the fourth wall- about four times to be exact- Mukuro regained consciousness. "I think I forgot algebra… I taste blue… Why…?"

Hiei looked down at the gas meter. "Oh sh- It's not good when the arrow's on the E is it? I forgot…"

"What, no. It's a good thing. Everyone knows that."

"How? I think it might be…"

"It means Equally Full."

"What?"

"Doesn't it mean Equally Full? And F obviously means Fully Empty."

"I fail to see how that works. That's too complicated for a normal person to do… So this obviously means that…"

"No, it's equally full and fully empty."

"Mukuro. You get into a car and fill your gas tank. When you turn on the car again, the arrow's on the F. You mean to tell us that we're paying money to suck out the gas from our cars?" Yusuke asked.

She turned to him, a look of determination on her face. "You never know."

"I'm really glad you're not driving. I'm serious, man."

"Mr. Hiei! Stop! There's a person on the road," Yukina cried, also despite everyone being less than a foot away from each other. Taking into account the fact that Hiei can't avoid running over a zombie, she might have the right to be afraid, however.

"No, don't stop, Hiei. Just keep going. And if you happen to hit him then I'll give you monjyayaki until you puke," Kurama said.

Hiei turned around. "Why?"

"Hiei, don't turn around while you're driving. The windshield wipers will break and then what will protect us from a speeding bullet?" Mukuro said.

"Mukuro, it's because you say things like that that no one ever lets you drive."

"It's not my fault that you don't understand basic physics."

"Screw you and your communist logic." Hiei turned back to Kurama. For the record, it's a miracle they haven't run into a tree at this point. "Why shouldn't we stop?"

Apparently Yukina's word was more important to Hiei than Kurama's. Still he replied, "Because it's Karasu." …Who apparently rose from the dead. Such a trivial detail though.

"Who was that again?"

"Look, just don't stop. And you have my full permission to hit him. I wasn't lying when I told you that…"

"Who cares, Kurama? He might be able to help us. We all know that nothing's making sense anyway," Yusuke said.

"Yusuke, it's Karasu. What makes you think he'll help us? Don't you remember what he did to me? I have nightmares still…"

"Quit being a nagging bitch. You can kick his ass twice as easily now. You could probably do it blindfolded and with your hands tied. So stfu, bitch."

"No you didn't." He narrowed his eyes,

Yusuke crossed his arms. "Yes, I did."

"That's the worst comeback I've heard all day."

"Stfu."

"Oh fuck this." Hiei slammed on the break so everyone was thrown forward by the force. Mukuro, however, was prepared for this and was not forced to unconsciousness. Hiei pulled out the key and walked out with Kurama hurrying behind.

Hiei called out to Karasu and Karasu turned around, staring intently at them. There was a long tense silence. Kurama readied himself to attack. Then Karasu rose his hand. The two gasped, waiting for it to happen. Instead of destroying the two with a bomb, the hand went straight to his crotch. "Ow!"

"I'm sure that hurts, Karasu…" Kurama sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Well, this is pointless… Look, you. Just so we know, do you..." Then music began to play. The two looked around for the source of the noise. "Uh… As I was saying- why are you dancing?"

And then Karasu began to sing, "_It's after midnight…_"

The two exchanged questioning looks, backed away slowly, then ran back to the car and they step away.

"Well, that was disturbing…" Hiei grumbled. Just when Mukuro was about to say something, he growled, "Let's just never speak of this again."

As the car sped away, Karasu whined, "Why do they always run?"

/./,/

The car ran out of gas on a lonely road out in the middle of the country. Or what they assumed was the country, as there was nothing but trees and the road around. Everyone got out to contemplate what they were going to do next.

Kuwabara finally screamed, "It's all Urameshi's fault, you guys!"

"What? What do you mean it's all _my_ fault!" Yusuke growled.

"Well, if you didn't make us all go out tonight, none of this would have happened and we would have been at home. I told you this was a stupid idea." Not really.

"I don't think staying at home would have stopped anything. The only thing that would have happened is that we would never have found out about Hiei's zombie syphilis phobia," Mukuro said, sighing. "And arguing won't stop anything. It's just wasting all of out time."

"She's right. It was an accident," Yukina added. Because a zombie apocalypse is a perfectly normal mistake a mad scientist makes… or however these zombies came out.

"Well… I mean… When we planned it, we just thought it would be fun because we haven't been together like we used to…" Keiko mumbled.

"No, you don't have to take any of the blame, Yukimura. I'm saying it's _all Urameshi's fault_," Kuwabara said. Three arguments to the contrary meant nothing to him, apparently.

"I'm siding with Mukuro on this one. And we don't know if the zombies are going to catch up to us if we stay here…" Kurama said as he climbed on top of the car. "Let me see if I can see the next town from up here…" He looked around. "Yeah… It's no use. I'm not seeing any lights. We might as well just follow the road."

Kuwabara shrugged, deciding that the zombies were enough of a motivation to leave the area. "Hey, I don't wanna walk in silence."

"…What's small but can't walk through a door?" Mukuro asked.

"You're really going to ask that?" Hiei asked, cocking a brow.

"I was going to say a mouse through a ant door but if you want it to be whatever you're thinking, then that's just fine."

"Anyone else have a song?" Kuwabara quickly asked. "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall…?"

They spent the next half hour in silence. Then they saw some lights in the distance. It was a house. Kurama stopped them.

"I don't think we should go in there… Something tells me that there's something wrong here…" he said.

"Not that shit again. We're going whether you like it or not," Hiei growled. "You you keep this up, then we'll just leave you out so you can turn into zombie meat."

Kurama couldn't argue with that. They continued to walk towards the front door. Yusuke was the one who pounded on the door, only because he didn't realize that doorbells had been invented.

The owner of the house yelled, "I'm coming! Calm down!" After a few moments, the door swung open, revealing Kuroko Sanada/ Sato… Whatever her name was.

"Oh good, it's someone I know…" Yusuke sighed. "You gotta help us. A bunch of zombies chased us out of town and then we were hit by a Michael Jackson joke. A Michael Jackson joke! We just need somewhere to hide out."

Kuroko looked at the other six, scanning them. Nodding to herself, she said, "Well, you all invite yourselves in. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. I'll let the kids know that you're here."

"Wait." Kurama put a hand on her shoulder as he walked in. "…Where's the bathroom?"

"Down the hall to the left." She stared at him intently as he walked down the hall. She shrugged and walked into the kitchen.

There was an awkward silence. Yusuke thought as he sat back, _She didn't mention her husband.. He must be out at a writer convention or whatever it is that writers do away from home. …And the brats are probably busy doing their thing and didn't notice any of us coming in… Yeah. That makes perfect sense._

Still something didn't seem right.

/././

Kurama happened to agree with that. He couldn't help but let it pick at his thoughts as he scrubbed his hands with the soap. _She was a bit too friendly… Something was missing. And she was looking at us a little too long. …God, what kind of soap is this? It feels so disgusting and it smells…_

He took a closer look at the soap. _Grease?_ He dropped it and ran out.

"Hey, Kurama, you feeling okay? You look pale," Yusuke asked.

"He just got out of the bathroom. How do you think he feels?" Kuwabara replied.

"I… I just used grease as soap…" Kurama stared at his hands. They all looked at him like he was stupid. "I didn't…" He looked to see if Kuroko was in the room. "We have to get out of here."

"Why? I know who this person is. She won't try anything weird on us," Yusuke said, frowning. "And it was probably her sick monster kids trying to be funny. Those sick little…"

"Yusuke, wait. Where's your dipshit girlfriend?" Hiei asked.

"You…! I should…" Yusuke started to strangle Hiei, a parody of the Homer Simpson treatment.

"Oh geez… He's right, Yusuke. Where is Keiko?" Kurama asked, feeling his heart start to pound.

"I dunno, but I'd still strangle Hiei if I knew!"

"I hear the sound of something being chopped up!" Kuwabara hissed, pointing to the kitchen. "I hear water boiling…"

"Oh shit!" Yusuke ran to the kitchen with the others following. There they saw Keiko sitting in a huge pot with Kuroko standing next to her, slicing up carrots, and throwing them in the pot.

"Hey, Yusuke! Someone's cooking something. It smells good," Keiko said with a smile like she was whacked a couple of times with a baseball bat. She held out a hand. "Join me…"

Yusuke screamed and knocked the pot over. "What the hell is wrong with you, Keiko? Both of you!"

"Yusuke, that was rude of you, I was making fox soup and it was for all of you!" Kuroko shook her fist at him. "Now I have to start my work all over again. I had meat in there too…" She pointed to a hand… Which Yusuke was horrified to realize he recognized as the husband's.

"But… With Keiko and…?"

She taped fox ears on Keiko and the hand.

"I resent that. You're making a mockery of my people…" Kurama growled.

Suddenly Kaisei and Fubuki came out of a suddenly existing hole in the ceiling and they started to chew off Kuwabara's arm.

"You know… I see nothing wrong with what's going on here. It's perfectly normal, really," Mukuro said coolly. She could have said that with _The New York Times_ tucked under her arm and a coffee mug in her hand.

"Of course you don't! You did this crap! If Raizen could see the way you're talking…" Yusuke's appeal to authority.

"No, you're wrong. When I eat people, I'm civilized about it and I kill them first. Then I eat them. What's happening here is that these children are showing their affection towards Kuwabara right now." (Hiei smacked his forehead, unsure if she was just using her screwed up sense of humor of if she was dead serious.)

"Let's just get out of here!" Yusuke grabbed Keiko by the arm and they all ran to the garage. "Why are there always cannibals?"

"But… They were nice…" Keiko argued.

"They were cooking you!"

"And they ate my arm," Kuwabara added.

"No, they're just showing you that they like you and are willing to sacrifice you to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which is a great honor," Mukuro said. "I saw it on a documentary on child psychology." Okay, maybe she was serious.

"If you say so!"

"If you need comfort, you'll be fine in the next chapter." Breaking the fourth wall.

"The pain!"

"Get them!" Kuroko screamed in the kitchen as if she couldn't just chance the seven down and kill them herself.

They all crammed themselves in the car. Yusuke, the driver, slammed on the gas, sending the car through the closed door… In spite of the lack of keys. Kuwabara looked around to make sure everyone was there.

"Where's Kurama?" he asked.

"Crap? We left him?" Yusuke gasped as he smacked the steering wheel, honking the horn.

"I'm back here!" Kurama chimed from the trunk. He also had to remind himself to take the wind chimes out of his throat after this was over.

"Thank god… What are you doing back there?"

"Well, I couldn't fit anywhere else." he held up a shinbone. "They had a dinosaur back here, too."

"Cool. Can I have it?" Mukuro asked eagerly.

"Mukuro, you know that's a…" Hiei was interrupted.

"I know what it is. I've seen the human anatomy before."

"They had a _what_ back there?" Yusuke gasped again.

Kuwabara started to complain. "I'm hungry! I'm bored! I have to go to the bathroom! Are we there yet? I'm hungry! I'm bored! I have to go to the bathroom! Are we there yet?

I'm hungry! I'm bored! I have to go to the bathroom! Are we there yet? I'm hungry! I'm bored! I have to go to the bathroom! Are we there yet?"

"Kuwabara, shut up!" Yusuke screamed at him. Suddenly the car broke down in front of a spooky house. "Goddammit! It's all your fault, Kuwabara, cause you didn't shut up! And if you don't I'll…" He thought of the craziest thing. "I'll pull your pants doqwn!"

"That's so gay! Shut uip! It's all yopuir fauklt anyway!"

"Not this again..." Keiko groaned.

The two continued to bicker as the other five decided to play an engaging game of Mao.

/././

Notes:

Cannibals bother me. How many times have you seen one?  
I actually fail to see how people get the E and the F confused. I tried to reason it out here. I failed at failing.  
Tell me Karasu doesn't look like MJ. Just tell me.  
The answer to Mukuro's joke is supposed to be "A baby with a spear in its head." I dunno who the sick bastard was that came up with that was but…  
I don't remember the husband's name. He wasn't that important here anyway.  
Those typos were meant to be there at the end.

Thanks for dealing with me. I'm not sure whether I should do the third chapter or not.


	3. The Hilling of Haunt House or Hanuted

Horror Movie

Notes: …Yeah. Here's chapter three. I dunno what else I could do because I didn't plan that far ahead. All I know is that the gag I wanted might not fit in this chapter but I don't want to start a new chapter just to put that gag in. I'm not that cool that I could continuously put in new stuff just off hand. I haven't even written this in so long I'm kind of detached. (It's kind of like me wanting to finish someone else's work. I have no idea what they were thinking and where they were going…)

Chapter 3: The Hilling of Haunt House/ Hanuted

"Alright gang, looks like we're gonna go in the house," Yusuke said.

"Let's not go," Hiei quickly replied.

"What now, Hiei? Are you afraid of house syphilis now?" Mukuro asked. Apparently this will never die.

"That… That's an urban legend. (_And zombie syphilis isn't?_ Mukuro thought, rolling her eyes.) And there's something really wrong with this house. Don't you get that feeling?"

"Yeah, I'm with Hiei," Kuwabara added, then he put down the paper on which he was writing because he realized number crunching wasn't his thing.

"Dammit, Kuwabara, are you just saying that just because you wanna disagree again! I'm getting tired of your shit," Yusuke said. "You know what they did to googly eyes Garfield? They created Garfield Minus Garfield so he would go the hell away. I think we're gonna play some of the gang minus Kuwabara right now."

"You jerk. I felt it too. But now… Now, I'm really gonna disagree now. And you wanna know something else? Hiei's girlfriend's hair is brown so shut up!"

"What does that have to do with anything? And it's blond, obviously."

"No, it's not. It's definitely brown."

"Hiei, what color is Mukuro's hair?"

Hiei looked at her. "Am I supposed to know?"

Just as Mukuro was about to answer the absolute question, Yusuke brought the issue back up, "Okay, everyone, let's just vote on it. All in favor of going in?" Keiko, Yukina, Kurama, and Kuwabara, who finally decided resistance was futile, raised their hands. "Yukina, you have to vote."

Her eyes widened when she noticed she was put on the spot. She looked down at her feet, twiddled her thumbs, and finally said. "But I like both sides… I don't want anyone mad at me…"

"No one's gonna get mad at you. Just vote either way."

"Um, then I'm with Mr. Hiei, then."

"Okay…" Disappointment. "You gotta vote too, Mukuro."

"I don't really care. We all know that you'll just convince us to go in anyway," she replied. "If I must… Then I'll just go with Hiei." Only because being the underdog was so much more fun.

"Majority rules. We're going in."

"Big surprise there."

And so they walked into the house. Looking around, they saw it was caked over with dust of several years. The windows had so many cobwebs, they could have been taken as curtains. Actually it looked a bit like the Munster's house. Kurama stopped them and pointed at the ceiling.

"My god…" The writing on the ceiling read, "RUN AWAY RUN AWAY RUN AWAY GET OWT I DONT WANT U IN HERE BECUZ THEY KILLED ME AAUGH THERE GETTING ME RIGHT NOW HELP ME HELP ME HEEEEEEELP MEEEEEE AAAAAAAAH." He looked down. "God… Who writes screams as they're being killed? And look at those hideous spelling errors. I need to wash that blood writing this instant. This isn't the Necronomicon. I swear…"

Keiko started to shriek. And everyone turned around to see Yukina holding a black widow in her hands with a smile. When she noticed everyone was staring at her she said, "But I think spiders are so nice…"

Hiei picked it up. "I don't see why you…" The spider bit him. "See, this is why I hate spiders." And he smashed it, without realizing what he just did.

"Oh god, you're going to die…" Keiko was still in shock.

"No one dies from black widow bites."

"Yes, they do! I saw this statistic that…"

"Statistics are numbers and numbers are full of shit, therefore statistics are full of shit," Mukuro said just to end that argument.

"You guys, I gotta step out for a while… I need some fresh air." Keiko turned the doorknob. Actually, she tried but the doorknob wasn't moving. "Yusuke. I can't open the door. It's like… Like the lock's broken. I keep turning the knob and the door won't open."

"Let me try that." He tried to turn the knob but it wouldn't turn. "Uh… I think we're trapped in here. …Okay, just as a safety measure, nobody start having sex in here. We don't want a body count in our party…"

"Urameshi, we could just break open a window," Kuwabara said.

"What's going on?" Kurama asked.

"We're trapped." Like it was nothing. "…And we should also be abstinent as a safety measure, so Urameshi says." ("What, haven't you seen Jason?" Yusuke grumbled.)

"Oh that sucks." And he proceeded to pull a chair to clean off the blood.

"Seriously, man. That's all you have to say? That it sucks."

"Yup. And this is the part when Hiei gets to tell us all that he told us so. But do what you want, I'm going to clean this place up… Oh god, there's spores on this thing. Normally I would just throw the thing out… You think we'd die if I threw this ceiling away?"

"What…? Dude, really?"

"Well, if we're really trapped, we could always make the most of it…" Yukina said. "We could always catch up on the things we missed."

"But you guys have seen each other just about everyday," Hiei said.

"That was directed at you, Mr. Genius," Yusuke said. "You just decided that we weren't important enough to come visit us again."

"I visited… Three times. I'm busy."

"Doing what? Mukuro?" She glared at him. "Or not."

"Yeah… I don't know anything about you," Kuwabara pointed at Mukuro, "other than you eat people and that you're a girl…" Actually he was more inclined to follow through on this whole thing because it was a message paid for by Yukina. "Let's play two truths and a lie! That's a fun game."

Instead of playing Kuwabara's game, it just got silent. They decided that they would split up and search the house. Actually it was more like everyone paired up and they left Kurama alone to clean the ceiling… and/or throw it away. And/ or he is sorry.

Yukina and Kuwabara decided that they would search the attic. You know, the one that has the staircase with half the steps missing. Kuwabara offered to help Yukina up, but she went up just fine… and a bit too enthusiastically. She said she was excited because she was going to see the amazing view. (And if the view was amazing enough, Kuwabara thought it would be time for them to become "Official." Whatever that meant. The point is that whatever it was, it would happen.)

They made it to the top of the stairs to see a room full of skeletons and cobwebs. Yukina stared at the skeletons, stepped over them and hurried to the window.

"Oh Kazuma, look at this amazing view!" Yukina gasped and gestured for him to come over.

Kuwabara swallowed a lump in his throat. Well, hell. He didn't wanna be in a room full of skeletons. But if there's a good view, maybe it'll take his mind off it. He looked out the window. "Yukina… You know that's a cemetery we're looking at?"

"But there's such beautiful flowers here… And there's a swing…"

_Oh god…_ "That's a man who hung himself…"

"Oh. And I think it might be hanged." Kuwabara hugged her. "I'm not scared, Kazuma, don't worry."

"You aren't but I am…"

/././

Yusuke and Keiko decided to look in the basement… Which was basically a huge torture chamber.

"Hey Keiko… If you get scared, don't be afraid to jump into my arms…" Yusuke joked.

"How can you say that? This is so gross. Ugh… I don't blame Kurama for cleaning upstairs… Okay, Yusuke, stop touching me." Keiko turned around and saw Yusuke was on the other side of the room. BUT THEN WHO WAS TOUCHER?

Yusuke walked up to her. "I think you might wanna go to sleep. You're tripping out."

"…I think we need to get out."

"You're still tripping." As he turned around to lead her out, she stuck out her foot so he fell over.

"Well, so are you!"

"…I'm in a pool of brains…"

/././

Actually Hiei and Mukuro didn't feel like searching. they just kind of stopped in a bedroom. Hiei sat at the foot of the bed, staring out the window. He wasn't sure he wanted to know why there was a cemetery in the backyard, or why a man hung, I'm sorry, HANGED himself there.

"I'm getting the feeling someone might have just done this just to make it appear terrifying though. I'm not feeling anything… Are you?" She didn't answer. He took that as a no. Actually there was a lot of rustling behind him. She was probably looking around. He didn't turn around. "I wonder why no zombies have been showing up here. There's a damn cemetery right here…" Nothing. That's uncharacteristic. He turned around, "Hey, Muk- Holy! Put your clothes back on! What's wrong with you!"

"…I just wanted to know what it was like…" she replied.

"Meaning what…?"

"Walking around like this."

Why was it slightly disappointed? He's going to need to beat himself and say, "Mia culpa" later. "Don't. What if someone walks in and sees you?"

"It's nothing you-especially you-or any of them haven't seen before. I've heard movies have become soft porn these days. So everyone knows just was b-"

"What the hell kind of movies are you watching?"

"What about you?"

Kurama opened the door, "There you…! I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to intrude… Lock the door next time though…"

"No! Kurama!" He already walked out. Hiei hurried out. "Nothing was happening."

"Sure. Why was she naked then?"

"Because she's _weird._"

"Uh-huh. Sure, Hiei."

Yusuke and Keiko walked into the hall. Yusuke asked, "Hey, what's going on here?"

Kurama turned to Yusuke. "I kind of…"

"No you didn't! Now you're just trying to make it bigger than it is! You didn't walk in on anything," Hiei growled.

Yusuke looked at them. "First things first, this is a bedroom?" they both nodded. "Is there another one cause Keiko needs to get some sleep? If there isn't… Uh… I guess we'll borrow this one after you guys are done getting busy."

"Dammit, Yusuke…"

"Well, why are you sitting here talking to us? Go in there and become a man. I mean, yeah the walls are thin and it's so quiet you could hear everything that's going on but it's never too late to…"

"What about your safety advisory?"

"I'll look out for you guys."

"Go to hell."

"We're already there, man," Kurama said, sounding like a pothead at that moment. Kuwabara and Yukina walked down.

"Can I just go in and lay down? I think I do need some sleep…" Keiko sighed. She paused before she opened the door. "Uh… Is it okay if I open the door?"

"Not you too…" Hiei facepalmed.

"What'd we miss?" Kuwabara asked through his severely reddened eyes, still clinging onto a tear-soaked Yukina. "Is there something in that wrong?"

"Kurama walked in on Hiei and Mukuro getting it on. Like he was all on her and she was moaning and they were going and the house was gonna break in half and a tornado was throwing it in circles and they didn't care, they just kept going at it…" Hiei knocked the wind out of Yusuke.

"If someone doesn't have anything else to say, I swear I'm gonna pop a cap in someone's ass…" Hiei growled, taking out a revolver to make his point.

"…I don't get it," Yukina said to break the silence.

"Which part?" Kurama asked.

"…All of it."

"I'm gonna count to four and if someone doesn't say anything I'm gonna shoot!" Hiei growled. "One!"

"Hiei, wait!" Kuwabara said.

"Two!"

"Please don't shoot!" Keiko also said.

"Three!"

"Don't shoot me!" Kurama screamed as Yukina also started to scream.

"Four!" And Mukuro walked out, fully clothed and took the revolver from him. And then it was twice as awkward.

She looked at Keiko. "You can go in here. You look like you need to lay down for a while…" Keiko hurried in without saying anything.

"…Uh… You can read people really well…?" Yusuke said, mostly because the silence was killing him too.

"No. I could hear everything you're saying out there. The walls really are thin, thank you very much. By the way, tabloids are also like bad fanfiction, you should read it sometime." Yusuke wasn't sure if Mukuro just pwned him or not. But he felt pretty bad. "As far as things go, I think there's something in this house that might be out to get us."

"hey, I could have told you that…" Kuwabara whined.

"If you're so sharp, then tell us all what it is."

"…You ever read _Haunted_? No. It's cool. I liked it. But there's a demon or something in here and it won't stop until it has harvested our organs!"

And Hiei screamed and opened a tunnel to another dimension and he jumped in it. Everyone stared until he came back.

"Mr. Hiei, where did you just go?" Yukina asked.

"Hell. AMV Hell…" Hiei curled into a corner and cried.

"Wut."

/././

_Keiko was walking down the hall. She opened the door to the bathroom and there was Kurama, on a noose, hanging, and the head was turned so she could see the empty look in his dead eyes. She screamed and ran out into the hall to see Yusuke nailed to the wall opposite to the door's opening. She ran away and into the kitchen to take it in. The door to the refrigerator was open so she could see the chopped up body of Kuwabara stuffed in there. She went into the dining room and saw Hiei's body cut open, stuffed with lettuce. Yukina was sitting at the end of the table, face down. Keiko moved her and she saw an extended smile on her face and her throat was cut. Keiko ran back into the bedroom, where she saw Mukuro sitting at the desk in the room, face in her hands. Keiko pushed her so she would wake up. In the middle of her forehead was a bullet hole…_

/././

Keiko sat up in bed, shrieking. There was Mukuro at the desk, her face in her hands. She didn't move a muscle. Keiko got out of bed, started to walk through the door, then stopped. She turned around, went to Mukuro and pushed her to wake her up. She pushed Mukuro so she would lean back.

In the middle of her forehead was a bullet hole.

Yukina was the first one to go in the room when Keiko shrieked. Just when she was about to ask Keiko what was wrong, she noticed the bullet hole in Mukuro's head and screamed. The four guys ran in and were equally disturbed… Well, except for Hiei.

"Holy shit… When… What did this to her?" Kuwabara asked. "And don't say a gun, Hiei you jack ass!"

"…She's not dead. And gun shots to the head don't work this way was what I was going to say," Hiei replied, rolling his eyes. "If she was shot. you would see her brains everywhere and we all would have heard a gunshot."

"Dude, this is your girlfriend you're talking about?"

He groaned and walked over to Mukuro and started to shake her. "Oh wake up, you."

"Hiei… A bullet to the head will kill anyone. Just so…" Kurama mumbled. He stopped when Mukuro stood up. "It… A… zombie…"

"I got a super gamma ray atomic gun in my hand, let me at it…" Yusuke said, getting his Spirit Gun ready.

Mukuro looked at all of them. "What the hell is everyone looking at me like this for? What'd I do that was so wrong? I know I talk in my sleep but that's out…"

"Stupid, you're supposed to be dead or a zombie!"

"I could be a zombie if you want…?" What? "What makes you think I'm dead? Other than my name."

"You have a damn bullet hole in your damn head and you scared the shit out of Keiko because of it!"

"Oh this?" She tapped a finger on it. "I was walking to the bathroom and this yakuza gunman came and shot me. I killed him for it of course."

"Mukuro, you're full of shit," Hiei said.

"Hiei, you like to sleep where birds like to be so I suppose you know a thing or to about such things."

"I think I almost had a heart attack…" Keiko said.

/././

Notes:

No one can decide Mukuro's hair color. One person says red, another says blonde, and another says like a really light brown… I think she's a person whose hair changes color. There. All parties win this one. (I think it's more red though. Like Dana Scully red.)  
The text on the ceiling where they write the sound effects… That seriously happened in Silent Hill 4… I think. See also _Monty Python and the Holy Grail._  
There's a musical reference in that scene with Hiei and the gun. Bonus if you get it without me telling you.  
Mukuro is weird. Don't act like you don't see it. You know she is… Especially when she first shows up…  
Someone was walking up and down the halls in my dorm singing, "I can be a zombie if you want to… I could be a zombie if you want to…" I'm not kidding. Dorm life for the win.

My editing might suck at the moment because it's late and I'm tired. Anyway, that's all I have. I dunno what else I could do. Happy Halloween.


	4. Needless Things

**Horror Movie  
Notes… Uh… Finals are almost over. So… crap. By the time this is published, it would be long over anyway,**

Chapter 4: Needless Things

Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Kurama were sitting in the entertainment room, on the moldy couch that smelled like something in between cats and pee. Maybe that was the reason Mukuro didn't want to sit on there, seeing how she wasn't comfortable with either one.

Kurama suddenly sat up. "Oh! I just remembered. There's a white candle in the closet next to the bedroom Keiko and Yukina are in. There was this sign in there that said something about how if a virgin touches it, it'll turn on and then a witch'll come."

"Dude, seriously?" Yusuke asked.

"Hey, if you're at risk, don't touch it. I just wanted to give a heads up."

"You mean this candle?" They three all turned in horror to look at Mukuro. They sighed with relief when it didn't light up. "I tried to turn it on and it didn't light. So that explains a lot."

Hiei walked in the room at that moment. "You need me to light that?"

"Wait, don't…" He already took it. His eyes widened when the candle lit up and then he gave her a look like she was joking. "Hiei. You shouldn't have touched that candle."

"Why?"

Then the room was filled with a cackling laughter. They all ran to the closet where the laughing was coming from. Kurama opened the door and slammed it because it was juts Elder Toguro laughing again. Then they heard another set of laughter and they all ran into the dining room. There on the table was none other than the Queen of being _FABULOUS _was… Suzu- I mean, the _Beautiful _Suzuka!

"Yes, this is all so perfect. You have awoken mne from my slumber!" Suzuka laughed. "Ahem, _narrator!_" Breaking the fourth wall… Okay, fine, the _beautiful _Suzuka laughed. "Much better. Now who was the person who touched the candle?"

Everyone pointed at Hiei. Hiei found a mushroom and flipped it off, then proceeded to flip everyone else off.

"Why do men always touch my candles? I can't feed upon the soul of a man. Therefore I must feed upon the soul of a virgin woman. Tell me, are there any other virgins in the house?"

"No, this guy's the only one. We were going to have an orgy to take care of this. The other girls are in the other room readying the whips and handcuffs so we can teach him for putting on this purity ring." Mukuro held it up. Apparently she convinced the Beautiful Suzuka because he disappeared, sighing. She noticed the others were staring at her. "I had to tell him something, didn't I?"

"Can we just forget this happened? I might have nightmares from that image…" Kuwabara sat down, shivering, deeply glad that poor innocent Yukina wasn't here to hear Mukuro say such vile things.

There was a scream from the bedroom and they all ran into the hall. There they saw Yukina covered with a mysterious thick liquid. They all stared at her, confused. Hiei walked up to her, ran a finger through it and tasted it.

"It tastes strange… Like… Pea soup…" Hiei raised a brow, puzzled.

"Hiei, I think that's vomit," Mukuro said.

"Eh, not the first time that happened. You know I was once in the desert without any water so what I had to do was…"

"I don't wanna hear it. And there's a reason that comes out of you."

"Cacti?"

"…Sure."

"What happened, Yukina?" Kuwabara asked.

"Well, I was talking to Keiko about how awesome it would be if they made a movie about wraths eating souls and then- then she collapsed. And then just when I was about to get you guys when she sat up… And then she kind of vomited this all over me," Yukina replied.

"This can only mean one thing, you guys…" Kurama stood in the shadows, then walked to a shady window, and closed the curtain. "Well, first of all we need to find a bathtub in this house and wash off Yukina and _then_… Keiko has been…." They all stopped and checked their watches as Kurama paused. "…POSSESSED!"

"NO!" Yusuke screamed. He then turned to Mukuro and punched her in the face. "You bitch, why would you do that do Keiko? What'd she ever do to you? She only said your hair looks funny from the back."

"Uh, would I even be standing here if I possessed Keiko? And there's nothing I have against her. In fact, I was aware that my hair looks like that…" No she wasn't and she was saddened, remembering that Hiei never told her anything when she did something with her hair like… changing the part or something.

"Yusuke, none of us will ever want to possess Keiko. She's just the boring normal girl with no interesting qualities at all. In fact, she's only possessed because she's the only human female here," Hiei said.

Yusuke punched him in the face. "Keiko is _not_ normal! In fact she's like… She's… Well, here's another punch in the face for giving me mental images of you and Mukuro going at it!"

"You guys…" Kurama cut in. "I'd honor this ritual to end your bromance but right now, the more we leave Keiko possessed by Suzuka the harder it'll be to get them separated. I should know, I'm a fox," Kurama replied.

"Stupid fox."

"Now that was just uncalled for." They all gathered into the room and threw Keiko/Suzuka onto the bed. And tied her up, probably, not that it stopped pea soup from getting tossed around.

"Okay, now what?" Yusuke asked. Kurama shrugged. "What do you mean you don't know? You're the one who suggested an exorcism!"

"It's the best solution. How should I know how to do this? Do I look like an exorcist to you? And I'm a demon anyway so I couldn't do it," Kurama replied.

"Go fuck yourself with a jackhammer then! Dick!"

"I think there's a good herb or root that can help with this. It's known by many names. Mainly Пирог Устрицы Турции and トルコオイスターケーキ and Auster-Kuchen von Türkei. For the sake of time, let's just call it the Root of Enlightenment. I think we can just go and look for one somewhere in the house." Kurama paused. "On the other hand we could just walk away and leave her here."

"And do what?"

"…Live?"

"Did someone give you a dick juice today?"

"Even if that didn't sound disgusting when taken literally…"

"Hey, shut up, Kurama. I don't see you saying anything witty."

"Wait- I know someone we can ask," Mukuro said. They all turned to her and stared at her. She hates when people stare at her like that and was about to comment on it. She decided not to. Instead she decided to stretch out the silence so that it was more dramatic when she revealed the answer. Like heads exploding, shirts flying off, confetti everywhere dramatic. Hiei, who hates silence like Mukuro hates chocolate eggs and yaoi, kicked her in the shins. She returned the favor by elbowing him in the gut as she said, "We should ask… Ghost Raizen."

"Oh my god, that's so bri- Wait, who's Ghost Raizen?" Kuwabara asked.

"No, not that dick! He ruins my days!" Hiei growled.

"What, Hiei, you're not one too?" Mukuro asked.

"You don't need another in your life."

"If that were the case I would have dropped you a long time ago, but instead I swallow this whole thing and give myself tumors. And it's also not my fault that he beat you to it."

"…You don't really believe all that do you?" Silence. "…Mukuro…? ….Baw…"

"We'll talk about it later." It was even more silent. "Anyone have chalk so I can summon him?"

"No, I'm summoning him! Screw you, Mukuro. You're just saying weird things that… Just don't talk for the rest of the chapter! Okay?" Yusuke growled. He pulled out some magic chalk and drew a circle. The circle glowed and then a figure stepped out of it. It was….. Ghost Raizen!

"Who awakes me from my slumber so that I can eat your souls or kill you in seven days after you get a phone after watch-" Raizen was cut off by Hiei.

"Cut the crap, Raizen. Mukuro said that you could help us with the exorcism. So… Go in there and fix it," Hiei said.

"…I did your girlfriend a while back."

"…That doesn't scare me. And I know for a fact that it isn't true. Right Mukuro?" She shrugged. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? Say something! Yusuke, this is your fault."

"And you wanna know something else? Your mother sucks cocks in hell."

"That's not…" He ran into a corner and started to cry.

"Ha. Works on him every time." Only Raizen! "Imma go back 2 mah ghostworld eh"

"Dude, Raizen, we need your help. Someone got possessed and we don't know what to do. We were thinking you could help us out with that," Yusuke said.

"A possession? I'm a master at that one! I'll do it for my heir." And so he danced a little jig and floated away. Then he came back when he realized that he had no idea where the heck he was supposed to be going. They led him into the room where Keiko was tied up to the bed, puking up more pea soup- except this time it had ham. "Curious case… Have you gotten that one root that's supposed to make her throw it up?"

"That wasn't a lie?" Yusuke's jaw dropped as he looked at Kurama, who had such a smug smile that he could imagine a lolcat caption stating "Smug faux is pleezed with achievements" He shook his head. "I don't think there's one here."

"Damn. Plan B's getting an insane mask and making her look at it. The ghost's supposed to get scared and jump out. Anyone have one?" Raizen looked at them all. And everyone (except Mukuro) shrugged. "Okay, fine. Mukuro get over here and show her the screwed up side of your face."

"That side of her face is amazing! Shut up!" Hiei screamed from the corner.

"Oh shut up and go play some eroge, or whatever kids these days play." He turned to Mukuro who frowned. "Oh come on it's the only way." She crossed her arms and looked the other way. "You flash it at people every day, how is this different." Starts tapping toe. "Oh, so you're just gonna let this girl sit here and puke all day? Why aren't you talking?" (Kurama glanced at Yusuke, who quickly looked away.) He knew she wasn't going to budge so he sighed. "Fine- plan C. I'm gonna jump in that body and kick out her professor."

"Raizen, I believe the word is 'possessor,'" Kurama said. Raizen threw a dead mushroom at him and then proceeded to enter Keiko's body. "This is bad. This is _very _bad."

"You mean the part about Raizen entering…?" Kuwabara asked.

"Not that. You're… Two demons can inhabit the same body at the same time. It could cause some serious complications. I know because this guy and I decided to try it on a dare and their head exploded."

"_Why didn't you say this before he did what he did? You're a jerk!_"

Then Keiko broke the ropes holding her down and she sat up, opened her mouth and Suzuka came out of her mouth screaming. She clutched at her throat, eyes widened in terror as Raizen came out of her mouth as well. A couple of tears dropped out of each of her eyes before she collapsed back onto the bed. Yusuke rushed to her side as he watched Raizen whack Suzuka over the head with a chair- the move he saw on Wrestling last night.

"You think it's time we get out of here?" Kurama whispered in Kuwabara's ear. He nodded and they all walked out of the house on the tips of their toes- with Yusuke carrying Keiko, who was starting to wake up again. They walked into the garage in hopes of finding a car, and they did.

"…Why didn't we think of this earlier?" Kuwabara asked. "Isn't this what they call Deus Ex Machina?"

They all ignored him of course because there was enough breaking of the fourth wall for them to take anymore. And so they got into the car, Yusuke got out to open the door and Mukuro, who was driving started the car up. They hit a bump.

"That was so weird… I don't remember there being a bump right there," Keiko said.

Mukuro turned around. She opened her mouth to speak…

/././

Notes:

Points to whoever gets my lame references.  
To quote _How NOT to Write a Novel,_ Deus Ex Machina is French for "Are you fucking kidding me?" And it's basically when there's a conflict and it's solved by some random thing rather than the characters using their own resources. Something like, a dude is surrounded by soldiers and then a dragon comes over and swoops him away. So to answer Kuwabara's question: "Yes."

I'm super sorry that it took me so long to get to updating this one. Finals and Midterms were a real bitch. And I never quite got to writing this over break. In fact, nothing really got done in either break. (Though I couldn't get to a computer in general during spring break.) I'm also super sorry that this chapter was really crappy quality. I don't know what I was going to do with it after Keiko got possessed. I promise the next chapter will be much better.  
Thanks for your time and again, sorry about the quality of writing here.


	5. Going Your Way

**Horror Movie**

**Notes: And so we begin with a huge mood whiplash. No seriously, look at the first line. I'm gonna wait for you. For the other patient people, this chapter was brought to you by the letter A for Wangst.**

Chapter 5: Going Your Way

"We hit someone," Mukuro said. She paused when Keiko cocked a brow at her. She sighed, clutched at the steering wheel. "I hit Yusuke."

"No you didn't," Kuwabara quickly replied. "How could you hit Yusuke?"

Hiei got up and walked out to investigate. He crouched to look under the car and stared. "Holy shit." He walked to the driver's window. "…So what the hell do we do?" Keiko started to get out. "Don't get out. You shouldn't see this."

She sighed and opened the door. She looked under the car and then behind it. There she saw Yusuke's smashed corpse. She leaned back on the car, clapping a hand to her mouth, trying to hold back vomit and tears. Kuwabara started to get out so he can help her walk in but she walked to the driver's window.

"Get out," Keiko said. Mukuro looked up at her, started to move her hand towards the door handle, but paused for a moment before touching it. "Get out!"

Mukuro put her hand on the handle, and hesitated long enough for Keiko to order her to get out again. She stayed, back against the door, waiting for Keiko's reaction. Keiko raised her hand and slapped her. As Mukuro straightened her stance, her expression not changing, she did it again and again until it started to turn hysterical. Kurama grabbed Keiko's hand.

"Okay, okay… We need to figure this out. We can't just stand like this forever," he said.

"We got room in the back, right?" Mukuro asked.

"No, we're not putting him in the trunk," Keiko replied.

"Well, we can't just bury him here. I think we'll find a better place and putting him there. I'm not saying we should keep him with us for any sick pleasure or anything like that."

"Don't make it worse…" Kurama sighed. "Look, Keiko, I'll put this in your hands. I don't want this to get into an argument. What do you want us to do with Yusuke?"

"Do we have a shovel?" Keiko asked. She looked around the garage.

"I could find one. I'll go get the whole burial, done myself too."

"I… I want to bury him. I don't want any help. And if you don't wanna wait for me, then that's fine. You can go without me."

"We're not going without you, Keiko. We can't afford to lose you- or any of us for that matter. We all know that we're all we've got at this point." She sighed and walked into the house. Kurama turned back to everyone else. "So what's the plan now? Anyone know of anywhere safe?"

"Demon World," Hiei replied.

"How about somewhere that won't kill us?" Kuwabara asked.

"Well, that rules out Australia."

"What the hell do you have against Australia? I went there last year and it was awesome. I adopted a-"

"_Anyone else have something important to say?_"

"Look, I'll drive for a while and stop somewhere that looks safe and then we'll plan everything out. I don't think it's gonna do us much good trying to figure out a specific plan off hand like we are. As far as we know it's all pick and choose based on appearance," Mukuro said. "We need to come to a decision quick about… you know."

"I'm burying Yusuke!" Keiko said and she took the body and dragged it out. Kuwabara started to follow her and she turned around, "I'm doing this by myself. You guys decide what you wanna do. I don't wanna be part of it."

Hiei groaned. "Look… We need to have an end point."

"Hiei, we won't have one. I'm just going to drive us out and then we'll see what happens. And as for me…" she stopped.

"What do you mean, as for me?"

It was silent. They sat in the car, trying not to think about Keiko digging away at the dirt behind them. It had to be several hours before Keiko returned covered in mud and looking like she was about to faint from exhaustion. She reluctantly got in the car and tried to go to sleep. Mukuro started the car and then went onto the road. She heard a loud smack on the hood of the car, but when she looked she saw nothing. She looked in the mirror to see if anyone else heard the noise and shrugged. Then it happened again. And again. Then something came to the window, blocking their view. Hiei stared back at it, and started to say something tio Mukuro, but he knew she saw it too.

It was Yusuke's ghost. He looked at Mukuro and said, "Going my way?"

She slammed on the brake and the ghost disappeared. She turned to Hiei. "Hey. There's a bottle in the glove box. Take it out."

He shrugged and opened it up. "Uh… It's a bottle of vodka."

"I don't care, hand it over."

She stepped on the gas as she turned the cap. The ghost came back and asked again, "Going my way?" She took the bottle and raised it to her lips and then gulped the whole thing down.

"What the hell are you doing? You're drinking and driving!" Kuwabara screamed. "You trying to kill us!"

"Is it still there?"

"What the heck? Yeah!" And she slammed on the breaks so everyone was pushed forward. Mukuro got out of the car but turned around to say, "Hiei, you take the wheel."

Hiei got out and followed after her until they walked far enough out of earshot. "Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I need to go. I know where I'm not wanted. Besides, I should be the only one who has to live with Yusuke's ghost for the rest of this life…" Mukuro said.

"Don't you go…"

"I'm not planning on killing myself, you idiot. I'm just going on alone."

"I'm going with you."

"Hiei, I'm not a child. I'm not some helpless princess. You know I can get along fine without you or anyone. And frankly as punishment, that's what I need." She turned around and kept walking on.

"Dammit, wait a second. I didn't mean any of those things. I don't think you need to be alone or… Damn it all. Just… Look, just let me come with you."

"What, because you need me?"

"What if I said I did?"

"You think that's gonna stop me? You keep telling yourself that. Maybe you do. Maybe I do. But I really need to go on alone." She stopped when Yusuke's ghost came back in front of her asking the same question- going my way… "They need you more than they need me and if I continue to travel with you guys then I'm just going to drag you all down because as far as they're concerned I'm just Yusuke's murderer and will always just be Yusuke's murderer."

"Then I'll just be the murderer's accomplice. You're not going alone."

"Hiei. Go fuck yourself."

"Mukuro, how did you even run him over?"

"I'm going to kill you the next time you speak."

"Try me."

She groaned and walked on.

"You know what? Fine. Then just go on without us and wallow in your pity since you _obviously_ love playing the part of the martyr. You can stay a murderer for all I care." He stood and watched as she went further and further away from him, plagued by the ghost's questions. He sighed and shook his head. It always got her to turn around and at least come to smack him. If she had only done that, he could have found a way to manipulate her enough to get her to come with him- even if it meant just dragging a fight in the direction back to the others. He came back and saw Kurama standing outside the car, arms crossed.

"Futile effort," Kurama mumbled.

"Shut up and start driving. I can't really see the damn road." And he took his place in the passenger's seat.

Kurama shrugged and went back in, pausing once to toss the vodka bottle away from the driver's seat and into Hiei's lap. "Everyone buckled up and ready to go?"

"But what about Mukuro?" Yukina asked. "Where'd she go?"

"Away," Hiei said.

"But she's coming back, right?"

"You heard her, she said I needed to drive. She decided to take off so she can… Look, she just went far away and she's not coming back so that's the end of that." He grabbed the bottle and put it back in the glove box, slamming it closed.

Yukina shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I think…"

"Yukina, it doesn't matter what you think. Nothing's going to change for a single damn thing. We're just a…!" He stopped when he realized he was yelled. "We're just one man short now and we're just going to have to deal with it. If you ask me, that's just fine because if we ever have to scavenge for supplies then we have one less way to divide it up. This conversation's over."

"But I still…"

"Over!"

It was silent for ten minutes- so he calculated even though the radio clock seemed to be eternally trapped on thirteen hundred hours- and Kuwabara finally said, "So someone say something. This silence is killing me."

Kurama turned on the radio and what came on was Michael Jackson's "Thriller." He groaned. "Why is it always Thriller?"

"Someone tell a joke."

"I'm changing…" He stopped when he heard Justin Bieber's voice. Before he wondered why there were American songs playing on a Japanese radio station, he shut it off and let them stay in silence.

"Man, we really have been left behind…." But no one answered him. That whole thing went over everyone's head. Yukina turned to him and started a hushed conversation with him, trying to bring Keiko in, but she stared out the window. Trying to forget.

"Oh look… Is that… a gas station?" Yukina asked.

Kurama glanced at the gas gauge. "Looks like it's a save."

/././

Notes:

Hey, sorry about the really dark chapter, guys. I thought it would be sillier but it didn't come through. I also apologize for not updating this whole summer. I meant to, but I didn't get online as much as I would have liked to. As a side note, this vacation really sucked, but that's life for you. I promise the next chapter will be back to the way it was before. But… Poor Yusuke…

Anyway, thanks for your time. I'm so sorry again.


	6. Gas Station Hell

**Horror Movie**

Notes: Um… What do I have to say for myself? I don't know. I was honestly trying to get this up before Halloween or the day of but… life happened. It's been a pretty miserable existence lately. The details don't matter, but I still got this going. I'm not gonna just let this one go! I would say something if I did.

Chapter 6: Gas Station Hell

Kurama parked the car in front of gas pump number four and started to get out. He stopped halfway through to tell everyone to wait there, but get out and stretch if they needed to. (Of course no one did so. Hiei was busy chewing on the tips of his fingers, Keiko was occupied with the window, Kuwabara wasn't willing to risk going out and getting bit by a zombie, and Yukina was sandwiched in the middle and preferably wasn't willing to speak up whether she wanted to leave.) He tried not to sigh out loud as he stepped out of the car. He went to the pump, then noticed there was no way for him to pay by credit card, though he wouldn't have done so even if he has one. He turned back to the car.

"Hiei, could you get out?" Kurama asked.

Hiei stared at a cuticle glistening with his own spit, wondering why the red water wasn't coming out because it likes it when it comes out. "I could."

"Then get out."

"You asked me if I could, not if I will at the moment, and in fact that's not even a command so I would have no inclination to do so, and even if you commanded me, I wouldn't do it anyway, because I don't have to do shit. Except die."

"Would you do it for Mukuro?" Kuwabara asked. Hiei turned around and spat in his face. "God, you're so- Oh god, some just went in my mouth. It's like I just kissed you except… Oh god, make it stop."

"Hiei, you should apologize to Kazuma!" Yukina said.

Hiei curled up into a his little shell, refusing to escargot the hell home. And then after a few minutes of silence, he muttered some pseudo-apology, to which Kuwabara muttered, "What a dick," along with something about being scarred for life.

"And you should also do what Kurama says too."

"_You are not the boss of me!_" And then Hiei got out of the car anyway. "What the hell do you want me to do?"

"Just put the pump in the car. I'm gonna go in and pay for this."

"Why can't you do it yourself?"

"Just shut up and do it."

Hiei spit at the ground then proceeded to take the gas pump out. Satisfied, Kurama walked into the convenience store, hearing a strange creak in the door. He decided he would remind the attendant that the door needs a good oiling. He walked to the counter, his eyes turned towards his pocket. He looked up. "Okay I need…. _Oh dear god, not you!_"

Karasu was standing behind the counter…. _menacingly!_ "Yes, me, Kurama my dearest. Now what can I do to service you?"

"_Absolutely nothing!_" He stormed out, nearly crashing into something on the way out since the thunder and lightning were blocking his view. He walked straight to the car. "Hiei, get over here. I think I'll have you pay for the-"

"What the hell? First you tell me to pump this crap in the car and now you're telling me to go pay for this and…"

"Look, it's not like I'm not really paying for it, here's the…"

"Do I look like a maid to you?"

"Do I look like a maid to _you_?"

"As a mater of fact you do."

"And how the fuck do I look like a maid?"

"You're wearing black."

"…Well… Well, you have long hair so you look like a girl? And you're not even a pretty girl either so go to hell!" Hiei kicked the side of the car to make sure his point was maid. Sorry, made. "And what the hell is in the store that you can't pay for this shit anyway? Did you chip a nail opening the door, huh, you fairy?"

"Okay, I may be able to take being called gay, Hiei, but being called a girl, even a pretty girl is something I will not stand for! Now you get in that bloody store or I will take this rose and shove it so far down your throat that… That… It will be very very very VERY unpleasant, okay? So don't mess with me."

Hiei rolled his eyes and took the money and walked into the store. Instantly the song "Thriller" was an assault on his ears. He walked to the counter anyway, though he couldn't see over the counter, he still knew who it was. "Karasu."

Then Karasu leaned over the counter and looked him in the eyes and said like a true Slytherin, "Yessssssssssssssssssssss…. My dear conssssssumer….?"

"The only pump that's in use needs to get paid for."

"Is that all?"

"Depends, do you have any Snickers?"

"No."

"Kit kats?"

"No."

"The hell do you have then?"

"I could… maybe… make you taller. Imagine it, Hiei, one foot taller like everyone else. In fact, I can make you dwarf all of those people out there."

Hiei paused, looked up at the mirror on the ceiling. Then he could finally go to a roller-coaster, now that he thinks about it. Then that douche bag at the carnival can stop laughing at turning him away from riding the roller-coaster that one time when he was five years old. And then Mukuro could stop flicking him on the forehead in her sleep. Wait, when did hat happen? Anyway… One foot taller… "What's the condition?"

"I want your soul. And then I'll do whatever I want with your body."

"Hell no!"

"I'd just put you in a maid dress, that's all."

"I'm not a damn maid!"

"Well, you're wearing black and white right now. Doesn't help much."

"It's called goth, not emo or vampire or maids. Get it fucking right."

"Look, man. Are you gonna give me something for that gas?" Karasu leaned over the counter and tried to breathe into Hiei's face. Then he realized that he was wearing a mask so this wouldn't quite work out right, but the point was made since Hiei wasn't used to seeing people's faces up close like that. Other than Mukuro.

_I'm gonna fucking kill that narrator some day. _Hiei looked out the window. "Do you want Kuwabara? You can have him."

"Oh no, he's totally straight."

"What, and I'm not?"

There was an awkward silence. "Can you give me something of Kurama's then? Like an article of clothing… a shoe would do just fine. Though if you could get something a little close if you know what I mean…"

"Can't you just take this damn payment?" Hiei waved it in Karasu's face.

"Your money is no good here… unless you…"

Hiei ran out. In a second he returned with a lock of hair in his hands. He dropped it on the counter and ran out before Karasu would show him what he would do with it. Kurama reached at his right side lock of hair. His face and hair turned white.

Kuwabara got out of the car and looked at Kurama then at Hiei. He picked at his teeth in thought and asked, "Hey, so… Did you guys… just when our backs were turned?"

"No Kuwabara!" Kurama snapped out of his temporary shock. He grabbed at the two bunches of hair framing his face. "Do you see this?"

"It's just…"

"Hiei just ruined my… my…. SYMMETRY!"

"Kurama, your hair looks like a fox's ass. It's not that bad if it gets cut. If you actually cut your disgusting hippy hair for once in your life then people would stop thinking you're a girl and then you can stop calling me at one in the morning because some dude at a bar hit on you," Hiei replied. He started to go into the car, but stopped reaching for the door handle.

"Well, your hair looks like a fire's ass! If it had one!" Kurama grumbled to himself and got in the passenger seat.

"Right… So anyway, I just checked on my phone where we were and I saw that there's a restaurant down the ways from us," Kuwabara said.

"You have a _what_?" Hiei asked.

"A phone it's a…"

"I know what a phone is, failtard. You mean to tell me you had one and you didn't say anything? You know how useful that would be? Or would have been several chapters ago?"

Kuwabara rolled his eyes. "What? You think I'm stupid? There's obviously zombies at home! Just like there's OBVIOUSLY a rapist in Lincoln Parts!"

Hiei, who doesn't know much about memes nor would he approve of such things created by the riffraff on the internet, just grunted and got in the backseat. Kuwabara sighed and got in the driver's seat. He wasn't sure being elected at the team leader felt as good as he hoped it would. He turned around.

"So everyone okay with getting food right now? My stomach's freaking growling and I can't run on empty," he said.

"Is it really safe to get anything?" Yukina asked.

"Well, we might have to kick some zombie butt but I'll make sure I'll protect you, Yukina! And Keiko too!" He grinned but Yukina was the only one who returned the favor. Go figure. So much for trying to be the cheerleader. "Besides that, zombies only eat people, right Hiei?' He just rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, man. Just this once since you're the who's the expert apparently."

"Zomboid-apocalypse-dot-org," he replied.

_What, is that his Saturday night plans or something? _He sighed again and turned on the car. He glanced at his phone. Mapquest said there was some sort of burger place forty-five minutes away. What the hell was a burger place doing in Japan anyway?

**Note: Hey, gonna cut it off here. Sorry it's pretty short and not a lot happens. I said that this was supposed to be the good chapter and it still didn't make the cut. I'm gonna try my hardest to make the next one fulfill that promise. Sorry again.**


	7. Juri's All FurT Diner

Horror Movie

Notes: Shit, it's been how long? You don't wanna hear my bullshit excuses so just say that you're annoyed I'm not getting stuff done fast enough or you're just happy that there's more of this insanity for you to enjoy. Either way works for me.

Chapter 6: Juri's All FURt Diner

Kuwabara shifted uncomfortably in his seat, glanced at the backseat. Keiko was still staring out the window, dead to the world. Kurama was sitting in the middle looking out the other window while Hiei rested his head against the window, out like a Christmas light. A broken Christmas light, anyway. He glanced at Yukina, who moved into the passenger's side of the front seat, and they exchanged a nervous smile.

_Man, and this time stupid Shorty's not here to give me a dirty look. Why does it not feel as good as I thought it would?_ Uh, maybe because she smiles at everyone all the time, especially you. _Hey shut up!_ "Then again… Hey, does this mean Hiei has the hots for Yukina?" … "Oh come on you have to answer me now!"

Ha. Not really. By the way, Kuwabara decided to pull into the driveway of a restaurant with a sign that had fallen down. He looked at his phone then looked back up. "Well, it says that this place is supposed to be EATS but I don't see a sign anywhere. So I guess we'll have to…" He paused when he saw a girl step out and wave them down. "Okay, I guess we're getting out."

"I think I'm going to stay here. I'm not hungry," Keiko said.

"You need to have something in your stomach, Keiko," Kurama said. "We don't know when will be the next time that we will. And you'll need the energy anyway."

She rolled her eyes. Yukina sighed and took her by the arm and practically pulled her out. "I bet you can save it for later. In fact, I think we should all do so right?"

"Good thinking. But you really should at least force something down."

As they approached the door, out walked Juri wearing an unfortunate 1950's America themed dress complete with that little poodle and a half assed grin on her face. She waved a pile of menus in their faces without counting them as she said, "So a table for five then?" She dragged Kuwabara, who was closest to her, by the arm to a booth before anyone could give her an answer. She yelled over her shoulder to the cook to fire up the stove and she walked into the kitchen.

"Well, this is… interesting…" Kurama mumbled. "I guess the music industry's gone downhill these days."

"Don't say that to her face. She's an entertainer. Or a dancer," Kuwabara replied and turned up a pinky in an odd flourish.

"She's a singer, not a stripper."

"How do you know? Did you buy all her CDs or something, huh?"

"Everyone in Demon World knows that. Hiei knows, right Hiei?" Kurama elbowed him like someone in a weird 1940's cartoon. Hiei just looked up and shrugged then continued to stare out the window. Kurama sighed. "…So what's the plan, guys?"

"Let's call WHO, or the CDC or the must better SWHO/SCDC because they definitely have a plan for how the hell we kill thousands of zombies in one sitting while we're all trapped as the last living people on earth. How do you like that?" Keiko asked. Hiei rolled his eyes at her. "In case you forgot, we don't have anywhere to go. Unless you say we go to Demon World- oh wait, they eat people, don't they?"

"That's against the law, Keiko. And even if demons still ate people, you still wouldn't have to worry because we have you covered. IF you look at Hiei and I, that takes a lot of gall to even try that."

"Great, so it's like I'm hanging around the yakuza."

"Except we don't shoot people when they're walking to the toilet! Get it!" Kuwabara started laughing, which if they happened to be in a restaurant full of people would have turned every single head. Yukina tapped him on the shoulder and then pointed at Hiei. "…Come on, we should try and smile more…!" He took a straw and blew it at Kurama, who caught it before it hit his face.

"What the hell is there to smile about?" Keiko asked. "Someone's dead. Someone's missing and we don't know where we can go that's safe."

"Shigure might have a cure. If not, we can make him make us one. So we can start there and track down anyone that's still alive and vaccinate them," Kurama replied. Juri came back with the menus, took their orders for drinks, and walked away without giving them another fake smile. "And that's all we can think of doing right now."

Keiko looked at the menu and sighed. "Look, I'm just not hungry. Can I go lay down somewhere?"

"Just force something down."

"Fine, I'll just order cereal."

"You can't do that," Hiei replied.

"Hiei, seriously, not now," Kuwabara replied.

"What happened to your smile attitude?"

"I should have added not to be a dick, too."

"Both of you shut up. I'll just get some pancakes. You happy? It's your namesake." Keiko jerked her head in Hiei's direction.

"Guys, please. Don't start fighting…" Yukina said. Juri came back and gave them all their drinks. After taking their orders she walked away again.

"…Service is slow here…" Kuwabara said in a half assed attempt to change the subject.

"I'm leaving," Hiei said. He shoved Kurama to get him to get up. "Look, you bastard, move or so help me god..." The other demon sighed and stood up, following him out the door. "Go away."

"Hiei, seriously, what's the problem this time?" Kurama asked, crossing his arms.

"I'm going after Mukuro."

"Really? What will that prove?"

"Well, I sure as hell am not going with you. It was never my plan to be with you on this dumb ass trip anyway. And if I'm doing something unplanned, I might as well be with her."

"Because she can't take care of herself? Because you don't have faith in her going without you? Because you can't have faith without her? Because that faith won't mean anything unless you're sure she's okay?"

"Go to hell. That has nothing to do with it. I'm not going to be dragged along with you people. And I think I know where I'm not wanted."

"Apparently not."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Take it at face value. I can't force you to stay with us for any reason. The choice is all yours in the end. But I'm sure that we can still cross paths with Mukuro at one point or another, and at that point we'll have no choice but to welcome her back with open arms- we would do so right now, of course."

"Because you have no other choice. Admit it, Kurama." Hiei turned around. "In the end, you don't give a flying fuck about her, and the only reason she matters to you is because I have some sort of connection with her- call it whatever you want. But if things have never ended as they did, then you wouldn't care that she was gone."

"If that's what you think." Hiei ran off and Kurama walked in.

"He didn't…?" Yukina asked, then stopped knowing the answer.

"Let's just plan a trip to Demon World. We'll eat and then I'll find a way through to there," Kurama said. He sat down next to Keiko.

Suddenly from out of the kitchen, Koto ran out. "O-M-G, you can't go right now! You should stay the night! It's super late you know!"

"W-what the crap? Were you listening on us?" Kuwabara asked. "And aren't you supposed to be like a radio star or something!" The other three glanced at him. "Hey, I bought all her CDs, and I'm not afraid to say it, okay! She has a great voice."

"Do you want my autograph?"

"Would I?" Kuwabara ripped his shirt open. "Sign my chest, too!" And she did so. "Oh man, oh man, I don't wanna shower for like a week…." Ahem! "But what's that about us not being able to leave? And seriously were you listening in on us?"

"Maybe… But I own a motel too that's connected in the back. WE'RE all the hostesses and you can stay for free if you try our new products?"

"People come here? Like for food and stuff?"

"And they never leave…." Spirit fingers. "We're a favorite place on google, you know!"

"Why doesn't anyone leave?"

"Because once you walk through these doors, you're always welcome so it's like you're always with us!" Koto smiled and called back to Juri for some support. She only got a shrug as a response before Juri went back to her Cosmo magazine, believing looking at the oddities that was pleasuring a man via Indian Burns was a much more noble cause. "So how about it? We have lots of parties and stuff!"

"It's not made of people, is it?" Kurama asked, suddenly feeling a bit wary.

"Oh yeah, definitely!" Koto laughed. "But really, know. It's chicken and beef stuff. Though one might secretly be goat and squid. Maybe in the same plate. This isn't for sissies, you know."

"I wanna do it! I wanna do it! It sounds great! Please, guys, let's all do it together!" Yukina yelled, practically in Kuwabara's ear and jumping up and down in her seat, as opposed to jumping left and right. When the others gave her stares, she shrugged. "But… I like surprises! But can we wait til tomorrow…?"

"What, you can't handle the suspense?" Koto asked.

"Well, wouldn't that make it even more suspenseful if there's a longer wait."

"I like the way you think…. Why haven't we met before?"

"Uh… You kind of did," Kuwabara said. There was a long silence. "Okay, fine. But you have to admit you saw her face at least once, I mean, how can you not remember a face like this?"

"_Anyway…_ Let me show you to your rooms." Koto grabbed Kuwabara by the arm, despite his protests at not even getting to drink his Coke Zero. (He would have liked to have the mind screw that it supposed real Coke taste yet without any calories.) "I'll bring you your orders as room service."

And so the guys and the girls were put into separate rooms. From what the guys could tell, the other rooms looked exactly the same- grey, full of cobwebs, and an awful fruit salad themed comforter set on the beds. Though the guys ended up with the room that smelled like someone's dying ass while the girls had a much more comforting scent of dried up cigarette butts.

"…Hold on a second, here…" Kurama said, just before everyone took his or her places. "Don't you think we should stick together still?"

"But isn't that kind of indecent? Men and women sleeping in the same room?" Yukina asked.

"Would you trade that for safety?"

"Yes."

"…Would anyone else do the same or am I just a lone nut?" …And Kurama was a lone nut. "If something happens, don't hesitate to call us, then."

Kurama sighed. _How much longer is this going to go on…?_

/././

Well, things are getting less depressing, I think. A bit rushed but I tried my best here.x What say you all then? Or am I alone in this room? Hello? Someone?

Thanks for your time.


	8. To Serve Man

Horror Movie

Okay. Let's get through this…. Man, and I remember back when I was really scheduled. How long ago was that? Holy shit, I can say it's been years… I've been doing this a long time, haven't I? How long is long? Cause I've been here seven years.  
**lol lol, imma up the rating on this cause there's naked chicks in this chapter. and you'll TOTALLY see everything** (I still don't know why people raise the ratings for written works that involve nudity. Unless it's described in detail or there's a more "adult" reason for it, I don't see it. I also never up ratings just because I drop the F bomb in things, assuming the rest of the fanfic isn't super mature.)

Chapter 8: To Serve Men (and Women!)

Kuwabara sat on the bed, chugging down a Pepsi. "So… now what? Shorty's gone off- apparently. Are we still gonna go around together?"

Kurama shrugged. "I don't know what makes him so sure it's better that he leaves. But I really think Demon World might be a good place to go. At least until things cool down. I have a feeling Mukuro might head there at one point. And Hiei, too, probably. I'm sure Shigure can figure out something. He's seen some weird stuff."

"Isn't he the dude you fought in the Tournament thing?"

"What's that have to do with anything?"

"…Wouldn't he kind of have a grudge?"

"If Mukuro doesn't, then he shouldn't."

"Are you sure she doesn't?"

Kurama shrugged again. "You can only hope. But from what I understand, she didn't take the outcome of it all too hard. She seems happier now. Not that I ever knew her personally to know whether that was the case. I'm not saying anything." He shrugged. "I guess I can say that she's happier now that the whole load of having the world on your shoulders is gone. Now all she has to deal with at worst is Hiei's antics. I think Yomi's trying to hard to get over this turn of events though. Then again, he looks at Enki and it's always that awkward moment when you realize she lost to him."

"…I'm not going to ask. And what the crap is going on between them? Seriously."

"I don't think even _they_ know."

It was silent. Kuwabara lay on the bed. "So you're sure about this going to Demon World thing?"

"It's all we can hope for." Kurama paused. "Hold on a minute." He walked to the phone and picked it up and dialed a number. "Hello? What? This is Shuichi. I'm… Oh for the love of… I told you that al- Yeah, I'm still wearing the same pair of jeans I was wearing when I last called you. Um… Have you looked outside lately? Of course I can't change. Don't yo- I-… I'm… I'm hanging up, I don't care."

Kuwabara stared at Kurama. "What was that about?"

"I called my mom… except it was my grandma's number. In Texas."

"You have a grandma in Texas?"

"Have you ever met my cousin from Long Beach?"

"Uh, no… Why?'

"Good because she's abomination comparable to Hiei's long lost half, who is also a girl that has a nasty habit of stalking me and dyeing her hair awkward colors along with being half fox, wolf, dragon, and turkey."

"But that does-"

"_We. Know. That._"

"…How many sisters does this guy have?"

"One actually. We've decided that these are girls who escaped from a nearby mental facility, dependent on experimentations in the Mary Sue gene. That aside, you should call your sister to make sure she's okay."

"Oh my god!" Kuwabara sat up. "I completely forgot about her! And dad, too. Come to think of it, why didn't you just go on a date with my sister?"

"Wow, you'd let me take her on a date? She is pretty good-looking, if I say so myself. And I have had my eye on her…"

"Dude, that's my… Oh, I see your point now. You were lying about the rest of it, right?"

"Your sister is kind of attractive."

"That's my sister!"

"Okay, fine, Kuwabara, she's hideous!"

"Don't talk about my sister that way!"

"…This is getting us nowhere. Just call her. Let me know how it goes." He started to walk towards the bathroom.

Kuwabara took the phone and stared at the numbers, holding his hands over them…

/././

Keiko sat on the bed and sighed. She listened to Yukina go through the drawers, and then she stopped and looked through a book. "Hey, Yukina, you mind reading that out loud? I think it might be nice to hear something good."

"Um… There's two in here," Yukina said.

"What? I dunno, pick the one with the prettier pages."

"Uh… Okay, so you've chosen the Necronomicon… Chapter One, Black Magic: How you purge the blood from Virgins and Black Cats fast and easy! Oh and someone wrote… Oh, oh dear… I see a word written in pencil here, and I think it's bad…."

"It probably is. Skip it."

"Uh… This book smells funny. Kind of like… Ew, I think it's blood!"

"Jeez, throw it back it!"

"Is this why people burn books?"

"No, that's… Just read the other book!"

"Okay, the bible. Let me see… And so the prophet Elisha was in a village and the children said, 'Go away bald head, go away bald head!' And then he called some bears and they killed the fuck out of the children and when the adults came over the bears came over and killed the fuck out of them too. Then Harry Potter came riding on a meteorite welding Fuckslayer and he killed them and the tiny fucklings at Hogwarts…." Yukina sighed and shut the book. "How about a nice story by the brother's Grimm? You know Rumpelstiltskin… Er… You just wanna take a shower? I can wash your clothes, too. You're covered with mud." Yukina opened the closet door and took out a robe. "You can just wear this until they dry."

"I can do it myself. I don't want you to get your hands in my… er…" Keiko sat up. A bath does sound good right now. It's been a few days, hasn't it? It's been a while since she did shower and that could probably calm down her nerves.

"Well, I'll get the racks ready so we can have them hung up."

Keiko walked into the bathroom, closed the door behind her and got undressed. She pulled the shower curtain closed and started the water, grabbing her clothes in front of her and wringing out the dirt. Once that was done, she hung the clothes on the metal bar holding up the shower curtain and she plugged the tub up and lay in the water. She shut her eyes and sighed.

"_Keiko."_

_Hm?_ She opened her eyes and looked around. She was about to call Yukina but she knew it was a man's voice that was calling her. In fact, she could have sworn it was…

_No. It can't be. I'm just… Man, I could use a good night's sleep._

"_Keiko."_

_No, no, no… You're not…_ The door was opening. She tensed up, on impulse covering her breasts with one arm, the other grabbing one of the disposable razors she took, pulling her legs up to cover the rest of her. There was a shuffle of something going on the toilet. The steps came closer and a hand reached out to the shower curtain. "B-back off, I have a razor and I'm not afraid to use it!"

The curtain was pulled away and it was Yukina, wrapped up in a towel. "Um… Is this a bad time?"

"…Yukina…?" Keiko relaxed a bit but still kept herself covered. "Wait, what are you doing in here?"

"Don't you want me to wash your back? I see on TV and manga that it's a good way for girls to bond together," Yukina said with an innocent smile. Don't believe in everything you read in manga, Yukina.

"You mean you did this all the time where you're from?"

"Well, actually we bathed together everyday. And then we all went to the hot springs together. Actually, I think we should all go there when this is over. It's always good to bond!"

"…Sure… I think I'm done now." Keiko reached passed Yukina and grabbed a towel. "You can switch with me."

"O… Okay. You're not mad, are you?" Yukina turned around so Keiko could get dressed.

"No, why would I be?" Keiko slipped on the robe and grabbed her dripping clothes from the metal rod. She went to the sink and wrung them out again. "I was just uncomfortable with, you know… I know we're both girls, but I still don't feel comfortable with being naked with someone else." She glanced at Yukina, who looked as though she was about to ask a question, but thought better of it. They both knew it was relating to Mukuro. If she would be all for this sort of thing. All things considered, probably not, but Keiko wouldn't have given her an answer. And right now, she would have liked to forget about her for a while. Just until it didn't matter. "Well, tell you what, when you get out, we can have some girl talk, okay?"

"I'd like that," Yukina replied. Keiko glanced at her face and saw a bit of loneliness behind her smile. Whether or not the deed had been done then, they still both knew they were one person short. And yet another shorter. She walked out and hung her clothes on the rack. She put her face in her hands and tried not to think about him. But his voice still called, _Keiko, Keiko, Keiko…_

/././

Kurama had stepped out of the shower before Kuwabara finally gained the courage to dial the number. He sat on the foot of the bed, barely making out the sound of the dial tone. Then Kuwabara squealed in shock.

"Damn dad! Quit recording yourself taking a dump for the answering machine! You know people call this phone and I hope you know some of them are people who offer me a job, too! …And also, could you please call me back to let me know you're okay? I haven't been home in a while cause some things came up. Like really, really bad things. Just call me on my cell when you get this message or get home. Sis, you hear me? Please?" He hung up. Kuwabara looked at Kurama and shrugged. "Well, either they both went out of town or they had a feeling something was up. You know, good old Kuwabara sense running through the family and all. I think my sister could hold em off good. You know, they way she handles demons. And I think my dad said something about how he has a business trip out of the country this weekend or next. So it's all good."

Kuwabara thought about it. "So your grandma answered the phone. Where does she live?"

"Hokkaido," Kurama replied.

"Ho- What the hell, man? They have a different area code than us!"

"Okay, I haven't completely assimilated to being human, okay? I don't even know the difference between DSL Internet and dial up."

"…Uh, you mean other than one being hooked up to a phone and not sucking?"

"…Is _that_ what it is? Fascinating. Why haven't demons thought of this?" As a side note, demons have had Internet for at least a century now, but Kurama being Kurama particularly enjoys robbing demons who have a flair for centuries old treasures and castles because they have locks that are more fun to pick. This being so, he never encountered a computer except those of the likes of da Vinci's time. What? You didn't know that they had computers then? Look it up, I don't make this shit up! (Maybe.) "…Damn, I feel as though something in the force vomited in my lap. I think I need to shower again."

"Dude, you shower enough to make a girl look bad."

"You calling me a girl?"

"Does it _sound_ like I'm calling you a girl? Seriously, you might wanna see a therapist about your anger issues about that."

"Kuwabara, just because you look like Rick Astley and everyone is sure of your masculinity doesn't mean it's easy for me. You know how tough it is to go everyday when guys hit on you because they think you're a girl… or gay?"

"…You really think so?"

"Really Kuwabara? Really?"

"…So what do you think the girls are doing? You think they're… Ick, I can't do this. I'm going to take a cold shower."

As Kuwabara walked to the bathroom, Kurama called over his shoulder, "Make sure you clean it!"

"Shut up, man."

/././

Keiko couldn't sleep. Not because she had to share the bed with Yukina. She made peace with that. And also by putting duct tape to make sure they knew the boundaries between the two. Not that Yukina would actually violate such things, but Keiko had a feeling she might need to.

She stared at the red numbers on the alarm clock. For a second she saw the numbers spell out her name. She blinked and looked around. She wanted to wake up Yukina but she sighed, deciding she was just really tired. The numbers spelled out, "You need to sleep. You will be getting sleepy in…" And the numbers counted down from ten, nine, eight… She shut her eyes.

"_Keiko."_

_She opened them again. She was still in the motel room and Yukina was still sleeping next to her. She saw the door to the room was open. She stared at it._

"_Keiko. Come out."_

_She felt nervous and got up, hand shaking by the knob. She wanted to close it but she knew this was an opportunity she must take. She shut her eyes as she opened the door and opened the when she heard it creak. She looked around and saw only the parking lot._

"_I'm in front of the restaurant. Don't worry about the lock. It'll stay locked. You're just dreaming. Come to the restaurant.'_

_She nodded and followed his voice. She stepped through the parking lot in her bare feet, not quite aware of the feeling of gravel scrapping on her feet. She just felt the cold of the asphalt on her feet. The cold air on her damp hair. The cold fog that seeped in through the robe and onto her bare skin. She started to run to the restaurant and there she saw crouched in front, cigarette in between his fingers was Yusuke. She felt the tears drip from her eyes. She ran to him and embraced him._

"_I can't believe it's you…" She managed to choke out that much._

"_Yeah, I know… I know. Listen Keiko, we don't have much time. I have to show you this." He opened the door. "Get over here." She followed him in, not letting go of his hand. It was still warm. Just like she remembered. "Hey, hey, hey. Get your head back into planet earth, here, Keiko. I want you to look in the kitchen and tell me what you see."_

_She looked away from his face and looked through the window and saw on the chopping block an arm. Her blood drained from her face. She looked around and saw a leg… "Oh my god, you mean…?"_

"_Yeah, that special taste test thing they promised you yesterday? They're gonna give you people."_

"_How…?"_

"_Don't you remember, Keiko? You kept my…"_

/././

Keiko sat up in bed, tears in her eyes. It was seven AM now. Yukina was stirring next to her.

"Keiko? You were talking in your sleep… What's wrong?" Yukina asked.

"Get dressed, Yukina. We have to get the guys and leave," Keiko replied.

"Why? Can't we stay and eat?"

"I'll tell you when we're all together."

/././

"Hold the phone! You mean they're gonna make us eat people!" Kuwabara gasped. "What the heck made you think that?"

"Well… Couldn't you smell it…?" Keiko replied, fishing for lies. "Like that weird pork smell? I heard that people taste like pork."

"Yeah, you're right. It does taste like pork," Kurama said, receiving stares. "Don't act like you didn't know I used to eat people. Well, let's just get our stuff together and…"

They heard a knock on the door next door.

"Oh crap! Everyone be quiet and don't answer the door!" Kuwabara hissed.

"They know we're here! They can feel us," Kurama whispered back.

They all cowered in the back of the room as the knocks came. Then they heard Juri's voice, "Come on! We know you're in there. These plates aren't cold and light you know!"

Yukina sighed and answered the door. "Um, we kind of have to…"

"Nonsense! Just sit down and then we'll just give you some nortion taco-age!" Koto said as she waved a plate of tacos in their faces.

"Uh, we're kind of vegetarian so we can't…"

"What? Why didn't you say so? You know how long it took us to prepare this meat?" Koto put the tacos on the table. "Can't you break your vegetarian-"

"Hey, wait a sec!" Juri cut in. "You can't be vegetarians! You all ordered something with meat in it yesterday! Except for her."

"Yeah, we kind of… forgot…" Yukina said.

"How do you forget about something like that?"

"If it makes you feel better we all threw up a lot last night. Our bodies can't take meat anymore. We all cried ourselves to sleep!"

"If you don't believe us, we have a trashcan full of used tissues in the bathroom," Kurama added. "And you might want to fix the toilet. It was broken. And replace the toilet paper." For those of you who are curious, Kurama, bored in the middle of the night, started flushing down toilet paper like he saw in one _Calvin and Hobbs _comic he read. He couldn't do it at home since his mom would get mad.

Koto frowned. Juri rolled her eyes. "You are all _so_ lying!"

"You know what this means?" Koto asked.

And they said at the same time, "It's time for the penalty game!"

"You got the needles?" Koto asked Juri.

"You got the knives…?"

"You ready to prepare our next meals…?"

"Look, there's a red herring in the air! Flying!" Kuwabara screamed, pointing behind the two. When they both turned, the four ran out of the hotel.

"OMG, I just remembered, that like, herrings are fishes!" Juri growled as she slapped Koto.

"WTF! You should know, you're a fish!" Koto replied.

"At least I know what I am!" And so commenced a girl fight. Now if Kurama wasn't joining the other three he would have stayed behind and recorded it and put it on youtube. Once he finished figuring out the internet.

But the three went to the car and drove off.

/././

Mukuro stopped on the side of a highway about twenty-five feet away from Tokyo and looked back. He wasn't following her anymore. Imagine that. She sighed and went on. No time to rest. They were at her heels.

/././

Hiei stood in front of the entrance to Demon World. He stared at it, stepped to the side for some idiot to pass through. Something told him not to go through. If no one came out in five minutes he would continue to wander around.

So he continued wandering aimlessly.

/././

**Notes:**

**I hope this long chapter makes up for the wait! We're really cooking now, guys! Hold on! (PS, reference to Second Pillow's 30 H's and a parody of Higurashi called "Kasey and Friends" are in here. Points to who gets them!)  
**

**Thanks for your time.  
**


	9. Alien versus Authority

Horror Movie

So… We're on the ninth chapter. So close to ten. Man, I dunno why I find hitting double digits so awe inspiring, I mean, I've consistently passed that mark. _Ride like the Wind_ was around sixty, _Lovecraft Anon_ (now _Doubt_) is currently around twenty, _Scenes from a Hat_ was over twenty, _Forever Yesterday_ was fifteen, _One More Time to Kill the Pain_ was thirteen, I think… And _Battle of the Rising Sun_, assuming I left it here, would have been about a hundred. I really had trouble ending things back in the day, didn't I? Now I have problems moving on. Let me say though- Thank fucking god _Battle of the Rising Sun_ isn't here anymore cause I think it was complete crap!

Also sorry about the long wait. Was importing stuff to you-fic and it took forever since Lovecraft Anon required a much needed edit which I need to bring back to this site.

And now for your feature presentation.

Chapter 9: Alien versus Authority (which always wins when John Cougar Mellencamp tries to fight it, which kind of begs the question, why in the FUCK is he fighting authority if he can't win and he knows it?)

_I kept his what? I kept his WHAT?_ Keiko wondered. She was practically banging her head against the window trying to remember just what it was she took from Yusuke.

"Something wrong, Keiko?" Kurama asked, looking in through the rearview mirror. "You look really stressed out. Other than what just happened."

"Hm? Oh that's all."

"You sure?"

"What, is it a crime that I think this is all weird?"

"How'd you know about the humans in the food? I feel like there's something you haven't told us." Kurama fixed a stare on her again before focusing on the road again.

"…I saw Yusuke in a dream and he said that's what happened. Happy?"

"Wait, can't Spirits do that though? I'm not a master of such things, but I'm fairly certain. So that means… But this makes no sense. Shouldn't have Spir-"

"Look, it is what it is. That's all. Could we just leave it alone?"

"Okay. But if you ever want to talk about it, you can always talk to me. Or any one of us, really. We can't afford to isolate ourselves."

"So. Kurama… Demon World then?" Kuwabara asked.

He looked at the other man sitting next to him "We should. I hope they're still okay over there. Honestly, I don't know what's worse, a human zombie or a demon one. Hiei, what…" He paused and shook his head. "For the moment, let's assume demon zombies are much worse. Though if I were to take Yomi's word for it, Raizen had a cure for it a long time ago."

"Whoa, what?!"

"Um… He was afraid something like this would happen. He kind of made cremation mandatory. I heard Mukuro got the formula for the proposed cure from him."

"Okay, SERIOUSLY?"

"…They had a bromance, okay, Kuwabara?"

"Wait. One. God. Damn. Sec. Ond." Keiko leaned in between the two. "You mean to tell me that Mukuro, who was sitting with us this whole time knew the formula to save us from a zombie apocalypse and you just let her walk away knowing that?"

"Ir was a groundless rumor."

"But would it have killed you to ask her about that if you knew about that rumor? We could have saved ourselves a lot of this crap."

Long silence. Kurama turned around and was about to answer when they were BLINDED BY THE LIGHT, REVVED UP LIKE A DEUCE, ANOTHER RUNNER IN THE NIGHT BLINDED BY THE

"Damn it, stop that!" Kuwabara screamed. Sorry, man. I totally had to. "Frickin narrator."

And so the car was trapped in a blinding light. Kurama let up on the gas. He shut his eyes, then tried to look as he squinted. He saw that they were at eye level with the tops of the trees. He was certain he was tripping out. Or that was his last thought before he passed out.

/././

Kurama woke laying on a table in a white room. He sat up, knowing that he wasn't strapped down. Keiko and Yukina were sitting in the corner, but they were still unconscious. He looked all around the room. No Kuwabara. He got off the table and shook the girls awake.

"Have you been awake since we got here?" Kurama asked.

"What do you…? Oh." Yukina gasped when she realized they weren't in the car anymore. "Where's Kazuma?"

"I don't know."

There was a hissing coming from behind Kurama. He turned around and saw a small screen. A voice from the screen said, "Would you like to play a game?"

"Wait… I know that voice…" Kurama said. "Koenma! What have you done with Kuwabara?!"

"Man. My cover's blown," Koenma sighed as he appeared on the screen.

"Actually that was a guess but thanks for confirming it anyway."

"What?! You dick!"

"Did that baby just say…?" Yukina gasped. "Come over here and get a spanking. Babies don't talk like that!"

"I'm not a baby!"

"But… You have a pacifier in your mouth so aren't you…?" Keiko asked.

"Arg…! Fine, whatever. But I have Kuwabara so if you don't behave yourselves then he'll come back unlike how you've known him before…."

Kurama stood up. "Why are you doing this, Koenma? What have we done to you?"

"Well, considering that your world's gone to hell, I decided- Ogre, get out of here, I'm on camera and I have to look cool!" Koenma threw a stamp at poor Jorge who was off camera. "ANYWAY. I decided that since it doesn't matter how this ends because we're aliens here at Spirit World anyway. And I've decided to implant a weapon that would prolong your existence. Good luck being the new Adams and Eves."

"Wait, WHAT?!"

"We've been aliens all along. Wasn't it kind of obvious?"

"Well, actually that was more intended towards your last comment."

"Oh. I thought as a fellow man you would enjoy the harem…"

Kurama couldn't handle the rest of the interaction so he did what any normal, intelligent man would do in such a situation. He picked up the table and threw it in the table, and flipped pover the plates screaming about how much he hate thing. Kirin would never be the same again.

Keiko glared at him and asked, "Kurama art thou mentale?"

"I am breaking out of this place and saving Private Ryan! I mean, I'm gonna save Private Kuwabara! Let's go, gang!"

"…Was that comment really that bad?"

"I…" And so Kurama had a blue screen of death. Keiko and Yukina waited for him to recover because he was the only one that knows how to pick locks. This was going to take a while and they knew it so they decided to play a game of Mao.

/././

Kuwabara woke up on the table. He was about to sit up but he found he was strapped down. _Oh no! I might be experimented on. Quick, Kuwa, do you see anyone else in the room? _He looked around. _Okay, good. I'm alone. Looks like I won't be one of the Human Centipede things I've heard so much about. But still where is everyone?_ Wait. He moved his legs. Okay, no one's attached to HIS ass so he's definitely not in that scheme. Thankfully.

He heard a door open.

"Oh, he's awake!"

Wait, he knew that voice.

"Botan? Is that you?" Kuwabara asked.

"Yuppers!" she answered. She stood over him. He knew he could look up her nose. It wasn't exactly a great time to be alive.

"Um, hey, can you get me out of these straps?"

"Noppers!"

"What? Why not!"

"We have to do surgery on you!"

"SAY WHAT?!"

Botan raised a syringe and stabbed it right in his forehead. Then she gasped when she remembered that you're supposed to inject people in the elbow. Oh well, she saw this on Grey's Anatomy and they're totally real doctors, right? Kuwabara was knocked out once again.

Koenma walked in at that moment, freshly changed in his teenage form. "Hello, Nurse Botan. I am Dr. Koenma and I am very cool."

"Um, Lord Koenma, I know who you are," Botan said.

"But am I not very cool?"

"Yes. Very much so."

"That better be true." Glare.

"So we need to get this surgery done."

"Right. I think it goes in his…"

/././

Kurama recovered from his Blue screen of death. He looked at the girls who had just finished their card game and they stared back at him. "So we need to get out of here and find Kuwabara then."

"Can you sense his presence anywhere?" Keiko asked.

Kurama stared at the wall. "…He feels like he's… not that far from us. To the right." The girls nodded. "Anyone got a pin or something? I think I can get this lock." Yukina reached down her shirt and pulled out a bobby pin. A nice, warm bobby pin. _H-hey, don't make this awkward! I wasn't even noticing that!_ He then proceeded to pick the lock. He opened the door a crack to ensure there was no one outside the door. Good. He opened it wider and looked around. Still no one. He gestured for the girls to follow him out.

He focused on Kuwabara's energy and followed it down the hall. They followed him until they reached two double doors. Kurama gestured for them to come closer so he can whisper, "Okay, we have to really tactful to save Kuwabara." The girls nodded. Then Kurama said, "WE MUST USE STEALTH!" And then he ran in to the room screaming. Koenma and Botan were so shocked that they exploded! And turned in to chickens!

Except not because all they did was gasp in their alien way.

"RELEASE KUWABARA AT ONCE!" Yukina shouted.

"…Um… IN THE NAME OF THE MOON I SHALL PUNISH YOU!" And then Keiko threw her shoe at Botan.

"No! The power of the moon… I must…" And she turned to dust.

"…W-when'd I learn to do that? And… did… Did I just kill Botan?"

"It's okay, she's the grim reaper anyway. She'll get better." Koenma said, waving his hand. "And you can take Kuwabara back right now."

"That's too easy!" Kurama said. "What'd you do to him? Tell me you didn't give him an anal probe…"

"An- Shoot, I thought it was an _oral_ probe. My bad," Koenma said. "Well, in any case, I have better prepared you to fight the zombies. You see, I implanted the ability for him to breathe fire. Now have fun, earthlings!"

"Hold o-"

/././

Kurama woke up behind the wheel. They were all in the same position as they were before they left. He looked at Kuwabara who looked back at him.

"You felt that, too, didn't you?" Kurama asked.

"Hold up, I have to… Urk..." Kuwabara opened the door and just when he sounded like he was vomiting, out came fire. "Oh… my… god. I'm TROGDOR NOW!"

"Oh Kazuma…" Yukina said. And they all laughed.

"But seriously, we just got abducted by aliens…"

/././

Notes:

Quite a few shout outs here. One was to another work, THE ADVENT OF THE EROSIONS REVENGE. (which is actually relocated the DeviantArt or you-fic) and Light and Dark: The Adventures of Dark Yagami. Also Trogdor.  
The song was "Blinded by the Light."

And that's about it. I'll be working on this one all October, so I'll try and get this updated faster. I have lots of essays due so I'll do my best nonetheless.  
Thanks for your time.


	10. Runaway Train

Horror Movie

*sighs* I miss Mukuro. Hell, I even miss Hiei and his scary ass eyes! (Their baby would be ugly, I think. Genetics and biology hates you.) I think the real horror is when you realize Mukuro looks straight up like her dad. Or that penises can be broken. I saw it on Dr. Oz and _he totally knows everything about such things because he's a cardiologist!_ /sarcasm  
Anyway, today's story is sponsored by that Doomtrain summon from Final Fantasy VIII, you know, the one that sucked? I predict Keiko will be emo. Let's cheer up, guys! Let's all join hands if we be friends and SING TIL YOUR LUNGS GIVE OUT! "This ain't a scene/ It's a goddamn arms race…" Also, you ever notice how Hiei was the only one in the group without a K in his name?

Horror Movie Chapter 10: Runaway Train! (Never coming back/ going wrong way on a one way track/ seems like I should be getting somewhere…)

"so where are we gonna go now?" asked Kuwabara.

"We can try Genkai's place. It's close to the opening to Demon World. We can get to Shigure, and most likely the cure to this outbreak, since I'm fairly certain that if Mukuro did have the formula, he would be able to access it," Kurama said.

"And if we can't get there or if he doesn't know?" Keiko asked.

"It's best not to think that way."

"But we have to now, don't we? What if we find out we're all screwed and the world's gonna end?"

"The world won't end as long as I have an axe in one hand and a machete in the other," Kuwabara said. "I'd rather die than give up. Even if the world's gone to hell, I'm gonna make sure I'm protecting you all to the end! Don't you all feel the same way? Besides that, I got a super powered awesome super flame thrower in my throat or something so I'll torch the crud outta those zombies!"

"But do we know where we are so we can get to the train station?" Yukina asked.

"Kuwabara, can you do a search on your phone?" Kurama asked. Kuwabara did as he was asked and pulled up a map. It looked like it would take them twenty minutes to get in the right direction, and another twenty to thirty minutes to actually get to the station. He glanced at the gas levels. Looks like everything's good to go. "Okay, so let's get to the bottom of this."

He turned up the radio. "Bohemian Rhapsody" was playing. Rather than question why it was playing in the first place, Kuwabara decided to sing along with Yukina joining him at the part, "I see a little silhouetto of a man" and Kurama joining in shortly after. Keiko shrugged and managed to get in the spirit by the end of the song. Particularly, "Nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters to me."

They managed to make it to the train station just as soon as Kuwabara and Yukina were done debating about whether or not Piko is a man or a woman. Kurama lead the four to the ticket kiosk. He looked around the counter, but saw no one there. He noticed the bell which was placed near a sign that said, "Ring for service."

_Something tells me I shouldn't do this… Oh well._ He rang the bell, getting ready to attack anyone that jumps out at him. Nothing.

"…Should we ring it again?" Kuwabara asked.

"As sure as everyone in the group has a K in their name." He did so. Nothing. A third time. A fourth.

"Let me try. I always wanted to try playing with one of these," Yukina said. She rang the bell. And as soon as her hand left it, up from the ground rose… ELDER TOGURO! He laughed like a witch, wringing his hands together like a criminal.

"How may I help you girls…?" he asked.

"Hey, I'm a guy, goddamn you!" Kurama growled. "Don't make me cut you in pieces with my rose. Don't forget that I can do that!"

"…I wasn't talking to you."

"Good because I will-"

"Um, wait. Aren't you supposed to be a plant?" Kuwabara asked. "Like in that weird cave thing Sensui was in?" Long silence.

"…I organized a union," Toguro said.

"A union," Kurama replied, cocking a brow.

"A union for the men trapped in plants. I have another member. We're trying to look for more, of course."

"Another…? Who? I don't remember trapping anyone else in a plant…"

"WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!" shouted another voice, as though caps lock would denote someone whispering or generally speaking in a normal tone. And in came in… A large man that none of them knew.

"…Um, am I supposed to know who you are?" Kurama asked.

"You should! You're the bastard who put me in this pot!" he yelled. "Or you should know who I am! I'm the motherfuckin slave trader Chikou and I gonna rock this house ya'll."

"Um, Chikou, we talked about this," Toguro said.

"Shut up. I'mma discuss my rage! Especially this dickwad who made me this way. And what happened to that stupid midget dude that got me in here in the first place."

"Oh… So that's what Hiei used it for…" Kurama said. "I was worried he used it for something else. So let me get this straight, Hiei gets hit in the stomach, comes to me and complains about it, and then he decides he wants to take a stand against slavery and mail order brides. Kind of don't see the connection, and I'm sorry that you feel offended or whatever. But it's kind of not my problem. I think mail order brides are stupid and cheap. And I also don't like polygamy. Or litterbugs or liars or baseball cards."

"…That dick took me to my daughter is what he did!"

"…What the fuck?"

"Yeah, that asshole took me to my daughter, who actually developed a nice rack if I say so myself, but still she's a horrible wench that likes Linkin Park and something called My Chemical Romance and Good Charlotte who is not good at all! She really needs to listen to wholesome music that you can square-dance to."

"…Are you following this at all?" Kuwabara asked.

"Um, apparently Mukuro's father was a big fat guy who's now a plant that was formally a slave trader, and also Mukuro listens to emo music," Kieko said.

"…So wait, that fat guy is related to…?! Dude… Well, at least Hiei met his in-laws, right?"

"I refuse to give my daughter to that man!" Chikou screamed, spittle sprinkling on everyone's faces.

"Just give us some bloody tickets, okay?" Kurama said.

"Sorry, we're all out," Toguro said.

"How can you be all out? There's no one in this place so there's no one to use the train. I mean, you can't give train rides to zombies, I'm fairly certain that's illegal."

"Well, actually I gave them to some guy with spiky hair and a sword."

"Hiei?"

"No. It was… Cloud Strife I think…. But I have some nonsmoking tickets for you." Kurama facepalmed, gesturing with his other hand that he would take them. As he gave them tickets, Toguro said, "Thank you for supporting the Union of Potted Plant Men. Enjoy your… trip." And then he laughed like a witch like he always did.

And so they proceeded to get on the train. Kurama was about to take a magazine from the pocket near the door when he saw Chikou standing there. Or at least standing in the only way a man of the Union of Potted Plant Men could. Kurama looked up at him. "Excuse me, but what are you doing here?"

"I'm the conductor," he answered.

"Um… But aren't conductors the ones who drive the train?" Keiko asked.

"For you, I'd be anything you want…"

"EXCUSE ME!"

"…I mean, that's Toguro's job!"

"So basically you're the train version of a stewardess?" Yukina asked.

"For you, baby, I-"

"For god's sake!" Kuwabara screamed. "You sir… No offense, but I refuse to be in the same train car as someone who doesn't know how to do his job, or even knows what to call his own job. And furthermore… You're a plant! …And no offense there either."

"Heh heh. None taken."

"And no offense, sir, but you're a nasty fat ass that needs to put on some clothes even though your fat covers up anything that would kill anyone's virgin eyes," Kurama said.

"You sir, are a prick! How dare you say such things to me. I am a very respectful man, even if my daughter is a godless heathen listening to her devil's goth music who still has yet to get married to a respectful man like myself rather than that short shit emo she has! I mean, how dare you address moi, you adolescent worm?"

"Can we talk about something else?" Yukina asked.

"…Okay, what do you wanna talk about?" Kuwabara asked. He was hoping she would say something to the effect of what he likes or getting to know him better. Or talk to each other privately about their future. Like marriage! Oh god, marriage? Already?! Oh man, he can't even think about what to put on the invitations or what kind of cake to get. He's not ready for this. He's got the marriage blues! Oh and how many kids will she want? How soon is she gonna start wanting kids? Right now? Oh man, oh man, oh…

"So, Chikou… You're Mukuro's father, right? Can you tell us what she was like when she was little?" And all of Kuwabara's worries crumbled. He felt a little sad right then and there…

"Oh as a child, eh? Well…" And so he proceeded to tell the story. And everyone wished she hadn't asked within five minutes. Okay, less than a minute. Kurama stood up, exchanged a look with Kuwabara and they both nodded. They proceeded to stand behind Chikou, who was too engrossed in his tale to pay them any attention, and they opened the side door. After a second nod, they both shoved him out the door and shut it.

They both sat down. And wanted to cry. But frankly- oh hell, their hair turned white.

/././

The train hit a stop and the door opened. Just when they were about to proceed to grandma's- I mean, Genkai's house, Toguro stopped them.

"I heard somethinf fall? Did you break something? You better not have. Don't you know how much I paid to own this train?" Toguro asked.

"…Um… Maybe…?" Kuwabara replied.

"…You threw Chikou off, didn't you?"

"Maybe?"

"Well, I was going to fire him anyway."

"Wow, Toguro, that's the most moral thing I have ever heard you say. I'm actually a little inclined to pat you on the back for punishing that kind of person in the only way you can," Kurama said.

"What? No, I just don't want a fatty fat fat ass working for me. It makes the Union look bad."

The four exchanged a look and nodded. They then proceeded to pull Toguro out the window of the train and threw him in some bushes. And then Kuwabara pants-ed him. Which was the logical way to punish him.

They then proceeded up the stairs. They looked around. Just when Yukina was about to open a door, someone came from around the corner. It was… Shun-jun. Which was bad because…

"Oh my god, you're the dick that shot me!" Kurama said, pointing a finger as though it would kill him on the spot or something.

"Wait, you got shot by some dude in cosplaying as a Power Ranger?" Kuwabara asked. "Dude, have some class. That's almost as bad as Hiei losing his soul in Kaitou's stupid territory."

/././

Somewhere in the world, Yu Kaitou was courting the lovely enchantress Ruka. He had her at her doorstep and was about to give her a good night kiss. He felt a sudden premonition but decided to go for it. Just when they really started getting into it, Kaitou sneezed heavily into her mouth.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! This normally doesn't happen!" Kaitou said.

Normally they would have discussed this further, but instead they found the place was surrounded by zombies.

"…You wanna come inside?" Ruka asked.

"DO I?!" And Kaitou followed her in.

/././

"Did you feel that?" Kuwabara asked. Everyone looked away. And Kuwabara cried, but Yukina cared. In another world, Shura cried, but no one cared.

"I am not a power ranger!" said Shun-jun. "Don't you know who I am, you insolent boy?"

"Um… No."

"Tell him, Kurama."

"He's an asshole that shoots poor innocent foxes for fun is what he is," Kurama said as he crossed his arms.

"Goddamn you, just get over it!"

"Shun-jun, your birth, get over it."

"Oooh he burned you good…" Kuwabara said.

"Could you tell us what you're doing here?" Keiko asked.

"What about you?" Shun-jun asked.

"Well, we wanted to go to Demon World because we think we know who has the cure to the zombie outbreak," Yukina said with a smile. As she looked upon his face, she suddenly realized there was nothing to smile about at all.

"You can't go there. It's closed and we can't open it just for you guys. We decided that since the population's overrun by the undead we have the quarantine the area. Just imagine if demons caught the disease."

"You don't know who started it, do you?"

"If you can find him and stop him, we would be forever grateful. In fact, we would even allow you all to marry demons and such."

"W-wait, that's still illegal?" Kuwabara asked. "Racists."

"It's a fine law that-"

"So how long as this hole been closed?" Kurama asked.

"Roughly a day after the outbreak started."

"Have you seen a woman with red hair or a small spiky haired demon come by at all?"

"Nope. Wait… Nope. Wait…"

"For Koenma's sake! You damn aliens."

"WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!"

Keiko sighed. "So we're stuck… Any idea on who could have done this?" Shun-jun shook his head. "Well, this sucks… But I guess we'll just camp out here for a while. We can stay and plan everything out." She looked to the other four and they nodded.

Still, Kurama had one to say, "Stupid poaching Power Ranger cosplayer."

"LET IT GO!"

/././

Notes:

And shit gets even more real. Do I need to explain Chikou's role in Mukuro's life? Cause I can refer you to chapter 172 of the manga in which we find out just how fucked up her life is… The Ruka/Kaitou came from a tumblr blog I'm a part of. Apparently Ruka and Kairou hooked up and I give them my blessing. So let's see where we go with this…


	11. Life's a Bitch

Horror Movie  
Man, for a person that's supposed to be devoting my time to this fic, it seems like it's going really, really slow. I feel like a terrible person. Ugh… So let's find out if our heroes can find the one to end this madness… And see if Kaitou got lucky. (I kid, he won't be coming back. Sorry.)

Chapter 11: Life's a Bitch (what, you thought I'd put beach because this is about a beach city?)

Yukina opened the drawer in one of Genkai's desks. There it was. The map of the city and the map of Japan. She walked back into the dining room where the other three were sitting, eating something Keiko managed to slap together. Shun-jun was there, too, but he stood in the background, mostly because Kurama insisted he be banished.

"Okay, so I'll give you the description Master Genkai gave me, because it helped me out a lot," Yukina said. "Um… So this is Tokyo. Everything you see on this map is golden and San Francisco. That's it. Now, ask me about the rest of it."

"Um… What?' Kurama asked.

"Ask me! It's good! It was my favorite part of it."

"…Okay, Yukina, what about everything else?"

"That's Oakland. You must never go there."

"…."

"Oh come on, Kurama, you didn't need to waste space like that," Kuwabara said.

Kurama looked at him and said quite loudly, "…."

"Stupid fox."

"Hn."

"What the- now you're Hiei?!"

"When has he ever said that?" When Kuwabara crossed his arms and looked away, Kurama went on, "ANYWAY, so let's assume that the whole of Tokyo has been infested by zombies, do you think we should investigate a city outside of it and see if the one who started this is there? It would stand to reason if…"

"So where can we go, though? I mean, I know Japan's not a big place and everything, but we can't possibly go through everything and actually have a productive trip," Keiko said.

"We should think like Mr. Hiei then!" Yukina said. "What would be the safest place from zombies?"

"A volcano!" Kuwabara said.

"….Um… Wouldn't…. Wouldn't we die?"

"Space?"

"Kuwabara, really. Next you'll be saying Australia," Kurama said.

"Seriously, man. What's your problem with Australia. It's cool. There's like… Um… Crocodiles and stuff like that. So there."

"Go to open water," Shun-jun said.

"Shut up, you damn poacher! Fur trapper! …Scoundrel!"

"It's a valid, point. Haven't you been on Zomboid-apocalypse-dot-org? They tell you everything you need to do in the case of a zombie infection outbreak. How can you not have been there? You can never be too careful, you know."

"Wait a minute, do you know who made Zomboid-apocalypse?" Keiko asked. "Maybe they're the one who started this."

"I think the only thing we have on file for him is that he's called Doobie1000yearsb4."

"Can't you track the name somehow?"

"Um… Sure." Shifty eyes.

"Wait… Doobie… Doobie… I know a guy that has that nickname. I met him a thousand years ago…" Kurama paused. "Hm… Nah, Yomi's not smart enough to do it, though. But I was sure we had something there." There was a long silence. He looked back at the map. "So open water… We could try going along the bay and see if we find something that way."

"…Well, looks like it's the best lead we've got," Kuwabara said. "Okay, Kurama's shooter guy, make you you watch this temple."

"Goddammit, you… Oh whatever, fine. I'll do it," Shun-jun said.

"Just don't shoot it," Kurama said.

"…You can't shoot a temple dead, okay?!"

/././

So they started driving until they hit a small village directly on the bay. Kurama pulled into the gas station, readied his credit card. He fou8nd himself wary, but assured himself that he could always fight whoever was in there off. Instead, there was a friendly old man who took his card with a smile. Just when he was about to leave, the little old man said, "Hey, buddy-"

"I'm not your buddy, friend!" Kurama said out of instinct. The old man looked shocked. "I'm sorry, I have this thing that if people call me buddy, I get mad. Everyone calls their dogs Buddy, you see, and I take so much offense as there are many names that are much cooler and so much more awesome than buddy like… Moko-moko or Pochi. Or the granddaddy of them all- wait for it- YOUKO KURAMA!"

"Uh… never heard of him, but okay. I was just going to say you look a little hungry and that you should take a stop at the old bed and breakfast run by that kindly little lady Rui."

"Did you just say Rui?" Kurama turned around and saw Yukina standing in the doorway, mouth agape. He cocked a brow at her and she asked the old man, "I know it's kind of grasping at straws but does she happen to have the same eyes and hair color that I do?" The old man nodded. "Oh Kurama, could we please go there? I know who she is!"

"You do?" He accepted her nod. "Well, I guess we could make a stop. I'm sure she might have some idea what's going on here."

"You mean that zombie thing lately? You kids and playing with your horror things…" the old man laughed and shook his head.

"You know about…?"

"Oh I saw it on good ol' David Letterman last night. He got bitten and I made a big call to the FCC yes I did and you know what happened? They just put me on hold for a good two hours, they did! Can you believe the manners these days? I remember when I was young, all the young people had to walk fifteen miles back and forth in the snow and it felt like it took fifteen hours when it was maybe… eh not fifteen minutes but it took fifteen minutes to go a mile. Tell me son, how much is fifteen times fifteen- wait, don't tell me, I think I know fifteen and fifteen. Hey can I tell you two about the good ol' days during the war? I was…"

"Sir, do you mind if I step out and pump my car with gas and then I can hear your…" The old man fell asleep. Yukina shrugged and found her way to the bathroom as Kurama left the building. When Yukina came back to the car, Kurama just finished pumping gas. He just realized he needed the directions to the bed and breakfast before driving away. Once that was done, he followed the old man's directions and they found the place in five minutes.

There was nothing odd about the building. In fact, it looked very much like it would be a pleasant place to stay. It was a lot like his grandma's house, except without the pin ups of young men like Robert Pattinson and Orlando Bloom all over the place. Wait… _I'll go back to repressing that, _Kurama thought.

As soon as they came to the door, a woman, just a bit taller than Yukina with the same color hair and eyes stepped out with a smile. She gasped when her eyes fell on Yukina. When she picked her eyes off the ground she said, "Yukina? Is it really you?"

Yukina nodded. "Rui… It's been so long… I'm sorry." She hugged the woman. "I just really wanted to find my brother and I couldn't do it if I stayed there."

"Well, I was so worried about you… You never even left a note or anything. I left to find you. But I'm so glad that I got to see you again. Oh how rude of me, why don't you all come inside, you look like you've been out for a while." Rui showed them into the lobby. "Yukina, have you found your brother?"

"Um… I'm not sure."

"What do you mean you're not sure?" Kuwabara asked.

"I think I have a feeling I know who he is."

"Is it me? Because it's not me. That would be weird. And it's totally not Kurama, right Kurama?" He just received a blank stare. "Yeah, totally not Kurama. And totally not um… That weird Karasu guy Kurama's scared of."

"Well, who do you think it was, Yukina?" Keiko asked. "If I know him, I could track him down or something for you. I said I would help you."

"Well, I kinda hope he would say something first. I would feel really bad if I asked him and he said no. You see, I gave him my mother's tear and I decided if he gives it back to me then he would be the one that's my brother. That's just like him," she answered with a smile. "Don't worry, Rui. I trust him enough to give it back if it is him. He's a good guy. He's never stolen anything in his life, I bet."

"Wait… You mean… HIEI?!" Kuwabara gasped and his hair turned a little white. "Wait… Kurama, when you said Hiei had a little sister, you didn't mean…?"

"Um… Don't make me say it, we pinky promised never to tell. Or I did," Kurama replied.

"People still do that?"

"Well, actually, it was just a promise that if in the off chance we meet his sister, I must never under any circumstances say that he's her brother or he'll cut off my pinky. That's how it works, right?"

There was a long silence. Rui said, "Um… Well, I could tell you who he is now. I'm not under the laws of Hyouga so it's perfectly fine."

"You wanna say it at the same time?" Yukina asked. The two nodded and at the same time they described a man with dark hair and red eyes. "I thought so."

"HOLY…! HOW?!" Kuwabara asked. It was silent.

"We'll talk later about that. I just want to know what brought you all to these parts. We haven't been getting as many people as we usually do," Rui said.

"Well, have you heard about what's been going on lately?" Kurama asked.

"The zombies? I thought that was just something people were joking about. It seems like a lot of humans like to talk about that kind of stuff. But I never thought it was real. Someone once sent me this email to a site called Zomboid-apocalypse-dot-org. I don't know how to use a computer so I can't show you it unless you know how to get me back to that email." Keiko offered to show her. When that was done, they all gathered around to look at the screen.

It was a website that used a black background with the text all in black Arial font. It looked more like a thirteen year old's attempt to make the plainest myspace theme ever. Assuming that people still know what the hell myspace is anymore. There were tabs about resources, safety precautions, but there was nothing that would lead anyone to the creator of the website. Just as Keiko was about to close the tab or Rui, Kurama stopped her.

"It says that there's a cure in this area," Kurama said.

"Get real, man. You can't possibly think it's going to say it's here, and even if it was, then someone would have taken it already!" Kuwabara said.

"It wouldn't hurt to look. Miss Rui, would you happen to know this address?" When she nodded, he asked, "Would you mind taking us there?"

They got in the car and they ended up in front of an old Wax Museum. Rui reached into the sleeve of her kimono and produced a key to the building. She said she was part of the historical society in the town so she was allowed access to all of the buildings. She opened the door and grabbed a map from the desk.

"This should show you the way to the cure. If you remember where it is, I don't. I don't think anyone could have gotten it if it's here, since I'm the only one that can open this door. Unless the police have gotten it. But I never did see anyone go in or anything," Rui said with a shrug. "I don't like having people in here. It just doesn't seem right."

"What do you mean?" Kurama asked.

"Oh, I just didn't seem right to just have certain people come in here when it's not open to the public."

Kurama cocked a brow at her then shrugged. "We'll get going and come right out then. Everyone let's get going. But first, let me investigate this desk and see if there's anything useful in it. Go on ahead but don't leave me too far back."

"Oh, I just remembered, I forgot something I needed to do down the street from here. Do you mind if I leave you here and come back when I'm done?"

"It's okay, go ahead!" Yukina said with a smile.

Rui thanked them and walked out, closing the door behind her. She whispered to herself, "Please forgive me for what I've done."

She walked to the corner of the block and found a pay phone. She dialed the number. "Okay, I got them trapped in the museum. Will you leave me alone now?" She listened to the voice laugh menacingly and she nodded. _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, all of you…_

Notes:

That awkward moment when you realize Yukina hasn't had a real role until now. What, you thought I would have Hiei or Mukuro show up because I said I missed them? Ha. Nice one. I'll continue this marathon another couple of weeks. Life kept getting in the way so I couldn't update the whole month and then I got really burnt out. So I'll try and make sure I kick out enough to make up for me breaking my promise. X|


	12. Obey the Wax Museum

Horror Movie

Rocking the fuck out to Fallout Boy. I don't care that they broke up, still jamming no matter what. What? Something about the story? I dunno. Wax museums make me pee. Don't act like those things don't scare the shit outta you. Like even worse than Robert the Doll. Anyway, this chapter is brought to you by the letter Z for T̫̺̳o̬̜ ì̬͎̲̟nv̖̗̻̣̹̕o͖̗̠̜̤k͍͚̹͖̼e̦̗̪͍̪͍ ̬ͅt̕h̠͙̮͕͓e̱̜̗͙̭ ̥͔̫͙̪͍̣͝ḥi̼̦͈̼v҉̩̟͚̞͎e͈̟̻͙̦̤-m̷̘̝̱í͚̞̦̳n̝̲̯̙̮͞d̴̺̦͕̫ ̗̭̘͎͖r̞͎̜̜͖͎̫͢ep͇r̝̯̝͖͉͎̺e̴s̥e̵̖̳͉͍̩̗n̢͓̪͕̜̰̠̦t̺̞̰i͟n҉̮̦̖̟g̮͍̱̻͍̜̳ ̳c̖̮̙̣̰̠̩h̷̗͍̖͙̭͇͈a̧͎̯̹̲̺̫ó̭̞̜̣̯͕s̶̤̮̩̘.̨̻̪̖͔  
̳̭̦̭̭̦̞́I̠͍̮n͇̹̪̬v̴͖̭̗̖o̸k҉̬̤͓͚̠͍i͜n̛̩̹͉̘̹g͙ ̠̥ͅt̰͖͞h̫̼̪e̟̩̝ ̭̠̲̫͔fe̤͇̝̱e͖̮̠̹̭͖͕l͖̲̘͖̠̪i̢̖͎̮̗̯͓̩n̸̰g̙̱̘̗͚̬ͅ ͍o͍͍̩̮͢f̖͓̦̥ ̘͘c̵̫̱̗͚͓̦h͝a̝͍͍̳̣͖͉o͙̟s̤̞.̙̝̭̣̳̼͟  
̢̻͖͓̬̞̰̦W̮̲̝̼̩̝͖i͖͖͡ͅt̘̯͘h̷̬̖̞̙̰̭̳ ̭̪̕o̥̤̺̝̼̰̯͟ṳ̞̭̤t̨͚̥̗ ̟̺̫̩̤̳̩o̟̰̩̖ͅr̞̘̫̩̼d̡͍̬͎̪̺͚͔e͓͖̝̙r̰͖̲̲̻̠.̺̝̺̟͈  
̣̭T̪̩̼h̥̫̪͔̀e̫̯͜ ̨N̟e҉͔̤zp̮̭͈̟é͉͈ṛ̹̜̺̭͕d̺̪̜͇͓i̞á͕̹̣̻n͉͘ ̗͔̭͡h̲͖̣̺̺i͔̣̖̤͎̯v̠̯̘͖̭̱̯e̡̥͕-m͖̭̣̬̦͈i͖n̞̩͕̟̼̺͜d̘͉ ̯o̷͇̹͕̦f̰̱ ̝͓͉̱̪̪c͈̲̜̺h̘͚a̞͔̭̰̯̗̝o̙͍s͍͇̱͓.̵͕̰͙͈ͅ ̯̞͈̞̱̖Z̯̮̺̤̥̪̕a͏̺̗̼̬̗ḻg͢o̥̱̼.̺̜͇͡ͅ ̴͓͖̭̩͎̗  
̧̪͈̱̹̳͖͙H̵̰̤̰͕̖e̛ ͚͉̗̼̞w̶̩̥͉̮h̩̺̪̩͘ͅọ͎͉̟ ̜̩͔̦̘ͅW̪̫̩̣̲͔̳a͏͔̳͖i͖͜t͓̤̠͓͙s̘̰̩̥̙̝ͅ ̲̠̬̥Be̡̙̫̦h̰̩i̛̫͙͔̭̤̗̲n̳͞d̸ ͎̻͘T̛͇̝̲̹̠̗ͅh̫̦̝ͅe̩̫͟ ͓͖̼W͕̳͎͚̙̥ą̙l̘͚̺͔͞ͅl̳͍̙̤̤̮̳.̢  
̟̺̜̙͉Z̤̲̙̙͎̥̝A͎̣͔̙͘L̥̻̗̳̻̳̳͢G͉̖̯͓̞̩̦O̹̹̺!̙͈͎̞̬ *

Chapter 12 Obey the Wax Museum.

"So according to this map, there's a basement that…" Kurama was interrupted.

"Are there any prisons here?" Kuwabara asked.

"Who in their right mind would have a prison below a museum? And Stephen King doesn't count."

"Clive Barker?"

Face palm. "As I was saying, there's a basement that was supposed to have the cure to the zombie epidemic. If we don't find it there, then we're going to have to move on."

"Um… Would… Would it be okay if I stayed here… with Miss Rui even if we have to leave?" Yukina asked. The others turned to her. She was staring at her shoes, weaving her hands and fingers together. "I would like to be with her again and not just because I feel really bad for leaving her without saying anything like I did back then."

It was silent for a while. Then Keiko said, "Why can't she just come with us? Then you won't have to pick between her and your friends. Is everyone else okay with that?"

The two guys nodded. Yukina felt tears come to her eyes. "Thank you. All of you. We should hurry and find the cure then."

"So what kind of museum is this, exactly?" Kuwabara asked.

"Wax museum," Kurama replied.

"Oh no..." Keiko mumbled as she blanched.

"What? You're not going to ask about wax museum syphilis are you?"

"What? No. I just always get scared of them because when I was a kid, I was lost in one and my mom couldn't find me and I couldn't find her and it was… it was just bad."

"Yukimura, don't worry, they're just wax. You light them on fire and they'll melt," Kuwabara said. "And don't say they'll come alive because you'll jinx it."

"But you just… And I wasn't afraid of that before you said it, I just thought they didn't look right and now I'm going to be afraid they'll come alive now, thanks to you!"

"Well… I burp fire so there!"

"Let's just go," Kurama said, sighing. He looked back at the map. "The basement according to the map is just down this hall to the right, which passes through the horror movie models…. I guess whoever made the layout of this building was either a troll or just hated his janitors."

"Or her!" Yukina chimed in, after which she put her wind chimes back in her purse that she suddenly owned.

Sigh. "Yes, or HER." He was starting to get a migraine, but he wasn't sure if it was that after over a thousand years of living, he suddenly had to be politically correct (and frankly he prided himself on having the best jokes about- well, you can't say that anymore these days without getting a kick in the nads) or if it was the fact that he just noticed there was a section dedicated solely to Justin Bieber and One Direction in this museum, despite being run by the Japanese.

They proceeded to walk down the hall. Keiko gasped when she heard one of the statues falling down. They all turned around and saw nothing. Kurama gestured for the girls to come closer, being the nonfighters in the group.

"I don't feel anything here, Kurama," Kuwabara whispered.

"Keep your ears open," Kurama replied.

"…You can close them? How?"

Facepalm.

"That is a SERIOUS question, okay?!"

"Kuwabara, if you ask another stupid question-"

"Jeez, who pooped in your Cheerios?"

"I will shove this rose so far up your-" Something moved passed Kurama at such speed that his hair blew back. He twisted around but saw nothing. He whispered, "Did anyone see what just went by?"

"If my question was stupid, then yours was in derp-speak."

Kurama elbowed Kuwabara in the face. "Guys… We gotta hurry out of here."

"Or we could fight. I got a-"

"No one cares."

"Hey, I do!" Yukina said.

"…Let's just go. Everyone, keep an eye out and run." Kurama had Kuwabara stand in front with the two girls in front of Kurama, who was awkwardly running backwards, rose in hand.

As they crossed a hallway, an axe dropped in front of Kuwabara's face. Then someone stepped forward- a man with dark hair and a savage grin. Though his wide smile, he said the famous line- "HEEERE'S JOHNNY!"

"Oh my fuck!" Kuwabara gasped. "….COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!"

"Wait, really, Kuwabara? That's what you're shocked about?" Keiko asked.

"Hey, our fanbase is on fanfiction-dot-net and it says you can't use real life people so we kind of are…"

"That's not copyright infringement!"

"…This is a work of fiction all resemblances to people living or dead or any events is entirely coincidental… And/or all celebrities are used in a parodic manner?" Yukina offered.

"Didn't save my AMV's from being taken off youtube…."

"I'm gonna chop you to pieces and eat you all up!" said the wax model of someone who totally was in no way Jack Nicholson from _The Shining_, or just generally being Jack Nicholson. At that moment, Kuwabara, who had three glasses of root beer in his system finally opened his mouth and opened what could only be described as a bodacious belch, full of fire, which melted the wax model of someone who totally was in no way Jack Nicholson from _The Shining_, or just generally being Jack Nicholson.

"And that is what you call a crowning moment of awesome!" Kuwabara said. "Now let's hurry."

By the time they reached a wax man who has a single sparkling glove and had a penchant for walking backwards and forwards without lifting his feet, all the while grabbing his crotch and singing in a rather high-pitched voice, another wax man who tended to yell while wearing a blue shirt that read OxiClean or something like that, a blonde wax woman with a beauty mark who happened to like standing over heaters that blew her skirts enough to make a female ecchi manga character grin (until wax woman melted of course), and someone that could have been Joe Biden, but it's hard to tell if it's the REAL Joe Biden or the wax version. But that's besides the point because he was busy trying to get wax FDR to stand up to clap for Japan or something.

The door was opened. And Kuwabara went down the stairs to the basement, the other three following. At the bottom of the staircase there was a switch on the wall. Kuwabara flicked it up. Didn't look like there was anything that could harm them. He looked around. Looked like there were a bunch of cleaning supplies and props for random recurring museum events.

"Kurama- stand at the door and make sure the door doesn't close on us or anything. Yukimura and Yukina- stay close to me and tell me if you see anything, okay?" Kuwabara walked to the center of the room. "Hey, Kurama, do you know what the cure was supposed to look like? It's an injection, right?"

"Yeah. It's supposed to be in a locker in the back of the room."

"Wait. A locker?! As in the kind with numbers?"

"What other kind is there?"

"But… we don't have the combination…." Yukina mumbled.

"You forget who you got with you." At that he winked. Goddamn being a thief was fucking awesome! …Except now that it's not wrong, it's not as fun to admit. Dammit.

Kuwabara nodded and continued to the end of the basement. Nothing. Yukina grabbed his sleeve and pointed to the corner by the stairs. Kuwabara nodded to Kurama, who crouched on the ground, vines spreading from his fist to under the locker. There was a click.

"Kurama. Why didn't you tell us you could do this before?" Kuwabara asked. "We could have used it when… Um… Okay, scratch that, but I still think you're a dick."

"Wow, rude. I thought a thank you was an order but I guess we come from vastly different homes in which our mothers taught us manners and weren't fat and licked other people's fingers for food."

"Hey, my sister came out of that, okay!"

"So… It's okay if I date your si-"

"YUKIMURA OPEN THE DOOR!" (Kurama still liked to believe this meant he could ask Shizuru out, assuming someone like Shishiwakumaru didn't beat him to her, that ass hat.) And so Keiko opened the locker and saw a suitcase inside. She pulled it out and dropped it at Yukina and Kuwabara's feet before opening it. They held their breath and…

…It was empty.

It was silent. Keiko took out the note and read it out loud, hand shaking, "'If you have found this note, that means that I moved this potion to a better location. I thought this would be a good place to keep it but I fear that as my sanity slips from me, I need to keep it closer to me. I'm sorry I ever experimented in this field.' Signed…. Doobie1000yrsb4."

"Hey wait…" Yukina took the note below it. "It's from Mr. Hiei! 'This is a hoax. There was never anything here. Already checked. If you all came here, get out fast.' …I wonder why? Just because the museum is…? But I rather liked that little teenage boy that was marked, 'Totally and in no way any form of Justin Bieber." She gathered long stares. "I think he's so adorable."

Kuwabara raged inside and took the note below that one. "From… Mukuro. 'He didn't have a face. The one that had the only key here has no face. Don't talk to her and don't you dare head South. It's spread all over." Well, damn! They both beat us to the punch. Those guys really do know something we don't."

"I don't like the sound of this. Let's get the hell out of here," Kurama said. The other three ran up the stairs.

"So she means that Miss Rui…?" Yukina asked.

"Don't listen to her, Yukina. I doubt that Rui's the only one that has access here," Keiko replied. There was a tense silence as they went up the stairs. "…I just think that doesn't make sense, okay? It has nothing to… to do with the… source!"

They were just getting to the main entrance when something flashed before Kurama, and he skidded to a halt. The girls nearly ran into him. Standing in front of the door was Rui, facing the door.

"Miss Rui! Oh thank goodness you're here. We have bad news though. There's no cure here," Yukina said. Rui nodded but didn't turn around. "I guess this Doobie person moved the potion so we have to keep going. Up north say our f-" She paused. "Our friends. So we really ought to be going. And… I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I really wanted to ask you if you could come with us. I asked my friends and they said it was okay so I won't have to leave you or leave them to be with you again. Is that okay?"

Rui just stood there. There was no sound coming from her. Keiko turned around and saw the wax figures were coming their way, melting from the eyes first. As the wax melted, it rolled into a brick-like wall, keeping everyone from running away if they felt the need to. Kurama and Kuwabara turned around and saw this was happening.

"Miss Rui? What's wrong?" Yukina asked.

"Yukina…" Kuwabara whisped.

Yukina stepped forward. "Miss… Rui…?"

Yukina took Rui by the shoulder and turned her around and screamed because there was no mouth or nose, just eyes- deep black pits for eyes oozing a deep red or black viscous fluid. From the sleeves of her kimono emerged long tentacle-like fingers, slithering in the air like snakes. Her hair came undone and flowed around her, growing longer, coming closer to the other three.

"Are you… really?" Yukina mumbled. "Please… please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please…."

_I've been corrupted. It is not as bad as death I suppose…_

"Miss…?"

_Yes. I am communicating through my thoughts to yours. I melted those figures. They too have been corrupted, just not as I have been I suppose. I think now that you have seen me this way, you will be, too._

"Miss Rui… WHY?!"

_The man came to me many years ago. You see, after your Hiei came to me, I left home and I ended up here. As I said before. But a year since that time, I came across a man. A terrible man. He told me he would send a spirit after me unless I did his bidding. He sent the rake. You know of him?_

"What do you remember of him?" Kurama asked. "If he can do that, then there's something extremely wrong here."

_I remember nothing. The rake removed the memories of him. I could tell you a number he called me from last but I don't think you can track him. I just remember that… he… owned something? Someone had something of his?_

…_Someone took something of his, I think he said. He said this was his revenge. That is all I remember of him. _The fluid dripped more from her eyes. She reached up with a tentacle finger and swiped it off.

Keiko froze. _"Don't you remember, Keiko? You kept my…?"_

"So wait, what's this about something being really wrong?" Kuwabara asked. He was swallowing a lot down, considering that this level of uncanny valley was not something he was at all used to.

"This kind of corruption isn't of this world," Kurama said.

"What do you mean 'Not of this world?'"

"It's on the level of necromancy. It violates even the laws of death. I don't understand what this could mean… But then… Toguro was able to move around despite being under my death tree…"

_Well, that man. He wanted revenge and he threatened to kill me unless I worked for him. I called him recently because I couldn't take the rake anymore. And then he told me that you will come here more than likely. He said the curse will be lifted._

…_So he lied to me… Now I wish I had died… I don't want to be this Slenderwoman._

"Miss Rui… please don't say that…" Yukina said. She came closer. Kuwabara was about to run over to stop her but Kurama held his arms up to block the other two from stopping her. She hugged Rui, tears dripping from her eyes. She glowed as she used her healing powers. Slowly, Rui's face, hair, and hands returned to their normal state. Yukina slumped a little. "I haven't used this much of my healing powers before… I hope it did enough to cure you."

"…I don't think I can," Rui whispered, still trembling.

"Not without the potion," Kurama said. "More than likely."

"Well, you all should go off without me, then."

"No. I think you can lead us to the man. We'll keep an eye on you. But when we find the potion, all will be better…"

"You sure, Kurama?" Kuwabara asked.

"We could do what we can. Let's go north."

/././

Shun-jun saw the ship overhead and waited for the platform to come down. He walked to the door when it landed and pushed the button, saying the password, "Lord Koenma is very cool."

He came to the control room. "Sir? It looks like things are growing progressively worse…"

Notes:

1. Kurama fearing Shishi would take Shizuru is based on a tumblr RP I've been a part of. Oddly enough, they do have a love triangle. I would explain more, but I can't do it justice. And also it would take a long time to explain and I don't even know all the details.  
2. Rui is somewhere between Slenderman (a being of paranoia and insanity) and Zalgo (Lovecraft based god of corruption and insanity). Knowyourmeme explains it better than I can.

I know I took forever to get to this. I'm sorry finals took over my life. I have no other excuses for the wait. I hate to say it, but I need to work on my other stuff for a while, too. I need a while to build up my inspiration for this one because I'm stuck again…


End file.
